Carl Stevens Universe
by Great Pikmin Fan
Summary: Nearly three years after an obnoxious Parody Stu somehow became the leader of Hellsing and got Rip and Seras on his side, the three move to Beach City. Problem is that, unlike London, the Stu isn't so welcomed and soon the Crystal Gems have to do something a little... silly to deal with them. Kind of a huge crack fic...
1. Loud Vampires

**Carl Stevens Universe**

**Chapter 1: Loud Vampires**

**Beginning AN:**

This is a sort of crossover involving not really _Hellsing_ itself but a prior badfic of _Hellsing_ I wrote a few years ago called _Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals_. This is **not** a badfic like HUC is, where every... fifth or so word is mispelled. You do not have to read HUC to understand this; in fact, a handy recap will be provided. That being said I will try to make the three characters from _Hellsing_ who _do_ appear to actually be as in-character as the plot allows for, since I did categorise this as a _Hellsing_ crossover and not as some miscellaneous genre. But really I think the only reason why I came up with this was the pun at the title.

I do warn that HUC is a little more... _explicit_ than this, for anyone who plans on reading it.

Also I'm not writing Rip's accent. I don't even do that in my badfics. Although in all of them thusfar, Rip had been a character who had a running gag of talking completely clearly...

Anyway this is my first genuine, non-badfic oneshot! ...Er, nevermind. It would be, but I felt it got long enough to deserve a split.

* * *

A booted foot kicked-flipped its owner's metal guitar up in the air. One right arm, flying by in a green blur, sent it into a rapid spin. The instrument stayed in the air, rotating, until a left arm swung in and clutched the top of it. The lights sprang on. The speakers were cranked up. The owner of both the foot and both arms smiled.

"Let's turn things up a notch!"

Hellsing Manor was soon flooded with a variety of sounds combining together to form a heavy rock song. The empty stage itself rocked full of it, as the man playing - who would have easily passed as a human if not for the green skin and antennae on his head - strummed to whatever impulse he felt.

As he enjoyed himself in the middle of the day, his music reached two chambers deep within the mansion's basement. While the occupant of one stayed in the open luxury room to herself, nodding in appreciation at the alternative music style, the occupant of the other had shut herself in a coffin. She didn't need this anymore - the trio since building better living conditions for themselves as vampires, but it was the best way to shut off the sound of that _loud racket_.

The one trying to sleep in the coffin clasped her hands over her ears, shifting around uncomfterably and bearing bloodshot, open eyes. She expected him to at least tone it down, but he seems to be going as much as he did since he started his new practace "loud run" three days ago. And it's been like this for all three days. To the extent that she thought about sleeping at nights like she used to, only to remember seconds after thinking it that he used to do this at night too. And still does.

Bunking with her other co-worker was another option. She at least had a chamber deeper in the manor than her own. Though just because it was an option doesn't mean it was a _good_ one, after all she-

The music briefly stopped. She sighed in relief.

The man with a guitar had stopped himself at the sight of the fake stage growing out several steel figures from the audience. He grinned.

"Alright! Freestyle's over, now it's time for training!"

He shifted his musical instrument perpendicular to one target and strummed it, this time shooting out spinning spirals of color-changing air. This hit the target, as intended, and colors splashed outward from the standee as they faded. The blow cut the metal clean in half.

He continued, jump-flipping through the air as more sonic blasts flew across the stage, some slicing the fake-enemies in half; some tearing through the targets and leaving a clean hole in them, annihalating what they cut through and continuing their flight until they "splashed" away on a prop behind them. And all of the sounds from both the strums and the impacts echoed through as well, finally reaching the almost-sleeping coffin rester. Whose eyes shot right open upon hearing the first note.

"That's it!" She cried, kicking the door to her coffin out. "I need to talk to Rip!"

* * *

"Of course I can join your music making! It's not like I have anything to do!" With one hand holding a cell phone, she looked at her other hand, currently re-tuning a musket. She shrugged and tossed it to the side, then turned to look at a corner of the room filled with a number of colorful colectables. "Oh. Reorganizing my room again is one of them but-"

Someone knocked on the door. Well, desperately slapping her hand on it was a more appropriate term. "Riiiip!" She cried in desperation.

"Hang on sweetie, it's Seras. Let me- no. I do not think she wants to join us- no. Or do _that _either. Carl, she sounds distressed, let me handle it." She hung up, then turned to the door, "You know you can just float through the walls now Seras!"

The blonde woman did as told, looking irritated as she glided through the doorway. "The last time I went in here without knocking you were making a familiar do a nude painting of yourself."

"So Seras," she seemed to ignore the comment, "What's wrong with Carl?"

"Rip, I didn't tell you we were talking about Carl!"

"It has to be!" Rip lifted her musket over her pajama-clad shoulders, "We have no other overlapping interests. I don't even think we by ourselves passed that Bechdel Test nonsense yet!"

"Listen, you're... better at getting him to listen to you than I am. Could you get him to change his music schedule?"

"You can't change the time of victory, Victoria!" She laughed, looking up as though she was watching Carl through the ceiling. She probably was. "But you _can_ get a soundproof coffin! Or better, a soundproof room!"

"Do you know how expensive the material is? For that much space?"

"Money's not an issue for heroes."

"It is when we haven't fought anything in months!"

Rip darted over to Seras in a quick navy blur, suddenly appearing face to face with her (or at least it would be, if not for the slight height difference) and putting a hand on her shoulder. "Maybe it's because we need to move, _oh that is great_ you finally agree with me!"

"But..."

"Did you forget? Now that the United Kingdom got superior supernatural forces, we're no longer needed! We became backup! Hellsing is old news here, Seras, we need to move the line somewhere else!"

"Like where?"

"Hm..." Rip took one hand off her gun and placed it on her chin, "Well, you won't like this idea but I want a place with high crime rates, so that's what I've been looking for while you played around. Some place that has quick access to danger. You see, it was never the heroism part of heroism that I liked, it was the excuse to be..."

Whipping out her gun, she shot right down the hall and with the tip a few inches away from Seras's face. The bullet zipped its way up the complex in an azure light, before there was a sound of metal breaking. Carl could be heard from even this chamber, shouting "Aw, what?"

"_Ruthless_." She finished.

Carl himself melted through the top of the room not long after, sticking upside-down to the ceiling and appearing to stand on it.

"So, breaking one of my targets caught my attention... what do you want?"

* * *

"There it is again." Pearl continued looking out in the distance. "_That sound_. And there's another air wave."

"Hey guys," Steven said, walking to his fellow Gems, "What are you looking at?"

"Oh, just something way out there." Amethyst replied, "It's heading towards our house!"

"Wh-what? Why aren't you going after it?"

"Whatever it is, it's moving too fast." Pearl added. "We're trying to come up with something-"

It ramped up, shooting right into the air and flipping several times. By this point, a blaring theme could be heard from the mysterious item. One figure fell off of this and landed face-first becides the Gems: It was a green man, definitely holding a muscular build, with features similar to that of someone familiar... someone well known...

This man was dressed in a pair of dark green combat jeans with appropriate black boots. However, his top was instead decked out with a simple, thick black T-shirt. The most curious aspect about this man was the pair of antennae sprouting out from his head, bearing a shade a few tones yellower than his skin. He stood himself up and held out a hand, to which all four Gems backed from as though he was some kind of zombie.

"Goooood mornin' neighbors!" He said as he pressed a button on a remote, turning off the music blaring from what he dropped from, "The name's Carl Stevens! Hope ya' enjoyed the track. That was Mute City from _Super Smash Bros. Melee_."

"It's noon." Garnet, the first to exit her zombie-defense stance, claimed.

"It is?" He looked upward. The object he fell from was still up in the air, flipping, but that wasn't what he was focused at. It was instead the sun, now just beginning its daily descent. "_Shoot_. I gotta lay off the heavy stuff."

The speedy object itself had dropped, revealing itself to be a motorcycle with two more on it. The driver was a woman with lengthy, flowing navy blue hair reaching far down her pale self growing from a freckled, bispectacled face, long past a _very_ developed bust, and extending past her feet. She wore a dark purple dress suit, and had a silver pendant around her neck resembling Carl's face.

The second, another woman clinging for dear life onto the motorcycle, stood in contrast. Her bright yellow hair was only barely shoulder-length and as such it did not really cover her more casual outfit. She was definitely more colored in compared to the tall pale one, and definitely scared out of her wits, blue eyes trembling alongside the rest of her body.

"I am Rip Van Winkle." The first said in a rather heavy German accent, "Carl's girlfriend and in this case driver. And that," she pointed to the one _still_ clinging onto the ride, "Is Seras Victoria. His other girlfriend. We're part of a group known as Hellsing and we have our brave and loyal soldiers carrying some more of our belonings in."

Pearl took more steps back, while Amethyst began snickering at them.

"So... are you good or...?" Steven managed to utter.

"Aw yeah we're heroes man! The three of us are red-vampire-blood-bearing forces of righteousness!" Carl said, jumping foreward and slidding on his knees. He proceeded to strum the air with his eyes shut, before looking down to see his instrument missing. "Oh, right. Being carried over."

"The town already has heroes," Pearl waved a hand in an attempt to dismiss them, "But if you want to help save huma-"

"Eh no offense but you probably have nothing on London security." Carl said. "Back when we were underground and large we worked hand-in-hand to eliminate the supernatural-"

"Ah yes, an interesting story." Rip interrupted Carl's interruption. "One with a variety of characters and backstories and-"

"You're right," Carl continued the cycle of cutoffs, "And let's let _Seras_ tell them that story."

Rip glared at him.

"What, babycakes? We have guests."

"You are the guests if anything." Pearl stated.

"Let's not drive them to sleep with your runon sentences and stuff." Carl said, seemingly ignoring the slender Gem.

Seras got off of the bike and weakly walked into the crowd. "Alright, alright:

"So there was this powerful vampire named Alucard, and his boss and master was a woman by the name of Sir Integra Fai-"

"See, full names is Rip's stuff. Keep it short." Carl said, using hand guestures to hammer in his point.

"-By the name of Integra. One night Alucard turned me - I was a cop at the time - into a vampire after going on a mission to kill of another force. Soon we got into a fight with this 'Millennium;' they sent two hitmen after us, and while we killed one of them they both wiped out our guards. Here's where Carl comes in; he was the newly elected leader of a mercenary team that Integra had to hire as new guards. Meanwhile, the surviving hitman killed Alucard, and on the same night Millennium sent an army with Rip, a former lieutenant, as one of the heads. Rip, Carl, and I got into a... _negotiation_ and she turned her life for the better after that. We fought off the rest of the organization, Integra got killed on the way, and after Carl disagreed with all of the secret-keeping incidents, we decided to make ourselves public. The end."

"No, then we got bored of London and now we've moved here. The end." Carl finished. "Also Rip and I are both vampires too and I am a winning rockstar from Mars."

"_**SKREEE!**_"

A number of blank white arms, tree branches, and tentacles slid over the entire temple, extending for a seemingly enless amount of time before finally reaching over and revealing them to be attatched to a vague human-looking figure. This figure held no features on its equally white face bar a mass of messy black hair, and its head stuck down in a column leading to the rest of itself.

The thing lashed one of its thousands of tentacles at the group of seven, both teams just barely managing to dodge. The Gems quickly got into position afterwards, staring down the beast.

"This must have snuck up on us while we were looking at you!" Pearl called, glancing at Hellsing to confirm what she was talking about. Carl shrugged.

"What can I say? I must be irresistable. Anyway, is this one of the kinds of things you fight daily 'cus if it is I can dig i-"

The same tentacle that clashed on the ground had lifted itself up, wrapping around the Martian and lifting him up. "I just wish I had my guitar right now!" He yelled from the skies.

"D- don't worry Carl!" Amethyst called, trying her best not to laugh at him as she summoned her whip, "Just let us handle this! Steven, you should get to safety."

"Where?"

She took this as an oppertunity to let a few laughs loose, disguising it as part of the fight and not at the newcomers. "I don't know, Seras and Rip are vampires, they should find-"

"_Not_ Rip." Pearl said.

"-A safe spot."

Five more tentacles slashed the air in front of them, only for one of them to get lasso'd by the purple whip. The weapon's owner swung herself on the massive creature and began running up the limb, using her whip to break off the pseudo-arm. A number of branches grew in its place, starting with two seperate stumps.

"It can regenerate." Garnet noted.

The branch-base soon shook violently as it was bombarded by explosives from Seras's cannons, making the Gem slip up in the middle of jumping to the head-equivillent. Loosing ballance, she began to plunge back to the palm of the temple's statue, before finding her hand grabbed by Garnet. The redder of the two was in the middle of a leap on her own, getting the two in reasonable distance from the 'main' limb.

"Okay, I know this! We need to attack its head!" She told her larger teammate, who nodded.

Garnet punched off a branch-figure (which was soon replaced by a split of two arms) and looked at what Amethyst noted. She then, after brief hesitation, looked back down at the temple, finding Seras still bolting the parts closest to her with explosives (anything cut off getting replaced in the tentacle, branch, arm cycle) and Rip aiming a musket at the beast. Pearl was currently struggling with an arm, while Carl and Steven were nowhere to be found.

Soon the three warriors were united, after a spear to the arm ridded it and replaced it with a pair of tentacles.

"I heard what you said," Pearl commented, "That's a bad idea. What if the head splits too? We don't know how this thing wor-"

Before finishing her sentence, the three were swiped up and entangled in an exceptionally large branch segment, pondering if it was a good idea to break off some of the tips. The creature let out another cry.

"Okay, new plan!" Pearl shouted. "Garnet, you need to-"

She interrupted herself upon seeing a bright azure light originating from where the Hellsing women were at, zig-zagging through the air. It landed square on the monster's head and briefly rested there before puncturing itself right on the would-be-forehead. The spot where its mouth would be seemingly ripped open as it let out a final, slightly louder, scream before the entire beast puffed away in smoke. All that it left in its place was a white gem, which dropped to the sand along with the colorful trio.

They stood from the sand, dusting themselves off and watching as Seras and Rip leaped over to them. Rip in particular flipped a number of times while she was in the air.

"What just happened?" Amethyst asked the pair. Rip grinned in response.

"_I just saved your lives._ You may have noticed a bright blue object before this thing expired, well, that was actually a bullet, and it was enchanted by me so that I could get it to work under my control. You were right, the head was its weak point."

Pearl grunted. "You know that if it wasn't for your trigger-happy Seras then Amethyst could have struck its head by itself, right?"

Rip laughed. "But still, it's good that one of us is competant! Oh, PS, compared to me and Carl, Seras is _not_ the trigger happy one."

The last part prompted the crash-landed three to look around.

"Say," Amethyst finally brought up, "Where _is_ Steven?"

"Right here!" Carl's voice was heard from not too far. The group of five turned in its direction.

The Gems in the group gasped as they saw Steven huddled up with Carl, both visibly shaking in fear. Pearl went to the pair and gave a light tap on the greener person's forehead.

"The monster's gone." She said, rather flatly. "You can let go of Steven. _Now_."

He didn't listen (nether did Steven himself, based on his lack of doing anything that aknowledged that he heard her), and in fact stayed doing the same shiver until he noticed something from the corner of his eye. After turning in the direction, Pearl followed his gaze and the rest of both teams ran over as well. Seven vaguely human looking creatures, each differently colored and bearing sprouts from the tops of their heads linking up to flowers, were carrying a large, black electric guitar. Accompanying them and carrying it as well was something that looked vastly different; its tan face looked like that of a frog, and its red back had white spots on it. This too had a flower and a sprout, the only thing linking it with the other odd beings.

"Stay back Steven! And get away from that... Carl guy!"

"Hey, hey, easy!" Carl said, finally standing up. "They're on our side!"

"Aw, they're adorable!" Amethyst added.

"Ah, yes, but here's the shocking part: They're also our soldiers, and our new guards after the team I was briefly elected on died in Rip's invasion. Say hello to the Pikmin, Ms- uh... I don't believe you've ever introduced yourselves!"

"Garnet." She stated.

"I'm Pearl, that's Steven, and that..."

Amethyst finally fell on her back, cracking up at the oddball plant-animal hybrids carrying the instrument.

"YOUR SOLDIERS?" She managed to breathe out in her fit of laughter, "YOU ARE KIDDING. YOU ARE NOT TELLING THE TRUTH. DO THEY EVEN KNOW HOW TO FIGHT? THEY DON'T LOOK LIKE IT. BUT I CAN'T TELL IF THAT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE TOO STUPID OR TOO INNOCENT."

"...Is Amethyst." Pearl finished. "We are the Crystal Gems and we protect all of humanity."

"Right, and I introduced myself," Carl said, "but let me show you my incredibly diverse little group right here. We call the type with a nose a red Pikmin, the one with ears yellow, the one with gills blue, the fat one over there is a purple Pikmin, the tiny one with red eyes is a white Pikmin, standard theme... then we have the rock Pikmin. Not gray Pikmin, rock Pikmin. And the pink kind over there is called winged Pikmin. And finally those guys are Bulbmin. Please note that these eight races are only the tip of the iceberg. I'd love to show you their abilities and stuff, but..."

He stood up, yanking the guitar from the being's hands (aside from the Bulbmin, which had been carrying it with its face).

"I'm a little light on cash and really wanna get more. Well, light by hero standards-"

Amethyst's laughter magnified.

"-So... Rip just took down that thing over there. Where's my pay?"

Pearl and Steven exchanged glances, while Amethyst only laughed even harder.

"You'll have to..." the first began. "Um..."

"Noooo problem, I'll pull a few strings. You say you protect humanity in general? Well, we've made it our job to only protect where we're living right now. Speaking of which... I don't believe we established our new manor yet..."

He casually walked off with his guitar slung over his shoulder, getting Seras and Rip to follow him. "...All it takes is a few Pikmin. We found out after seeing how well they rebuilt the manor after Rip's invasion."

Amethyst was crying with laughter at this point.

* * *

Seras finally slept peacefully in her new soundproof coffin - hoping to upgrade that to a room in short time. Carl could strum out the most blaring of riffs, and Rip could be loudly recieting her new vocal musical compositions in her siren-esque voice, and it didn't matter to her.

It did, however, matter to the rest of Beach City. Especially when Carl kept going into the night as part of his near-restlessness, long after Rip herself retreated from their pseudo-concerts.

His music was finally broken for the first time since he started by a knock on the front door, audioble thanks to his enhanced vampire hearing. After his music dulled down, he could hear the angry mob's cries. Carl sighed.

"Up! That's for me..."

He floated to the front door and casually swung it open to find pretty much every inhabitant of the city standing outside, clearly voicing conserns.

"Jeez, what is this, Springfield from the _Simpsons_?" He said.

Steven - who based on the position of his hands seemed to be the designated door knocker - spoke first. "We want you to turn your music DOWN! It's waking everybody up!"

Carl put his hands up front in defense. "Fellas, fellas, please! Our new manor is nowhere near your houses-"

"And _that_ shows how loud it is!" Lars shot from the crowd.

"But- well- we're heroes, you know! Hey though, in the daytime-"

"_But it's night!_"

"It is?" He glanced up at the starry sky. "_Shoot_. I gotta lay off the heavy stuff."

"WHAT? How do you not know what time it is? What do you _drink?_"

He turned over to Lars at his lattest comment and replied, "Tiger's blood."

"You are unbelievable, you know that? You guy might be better at the 'protect humanity' gig than Steven over there but you're so much of a wreck when you're not being a hero that I-"

Steven spoke up again. "Are you really even heroes? Heroes protect people, not annoy them!"

"Sorry kid," Carl pointed a thumb to himself, "But this guy has to play his music wherever he goes."

"Then pick up another, less loud hobby like books or _leave!_"

"After I saved your life?" He chuckled. "Good luck convincing anyone that matters that I'm a bad person. Especially since I think your mayor Dewey is sleeping quite soundly in his new soundproofed bedroom... same goes for just about anyone with power. We sacrified soundproofing both of my girlfriends' rooms in favor of giving that material to the guys with the power. Oh, also, books aren't exactly my best friends."

Amethyst stepped foreward, "No, really, is there _any way_ we can find a new place to send you? What if we pick a random city and move our teleporter over there so most of the monsters you can fight-"

"I know you're joking, but that's still a bad idea. I like it here. It's got a nice view of the ocean, a bunch of places to hang out, and an extra dimensional portal or two! The only thing that will kick me out is if you either became a terrible city or beat me in a challenging challenge. And again, I already covered bringing the authorities into this, so that only leaves me gettin' outta here by choise."

"I vote terrible city!" Amethyst cried, sticking a hand up. Pearl, on the other hand, focused on a different part of the sentence.

"Challenging challenge?"

"Yep. And not just any random chump; I want all four of you Gem fellas to come at us, and you four only."

"What is the challenge?"

"Any game you'd like, as long as it ends with 'ball.' Basketball, baseball, football - the American kind, the other kind is 'soccer' and don't you forget it-"

"What about paintball?" Steven asked.

Carl looked dumbfounded for a second, before snapping his fingers. "Great thinking out of the box kid! Challenge accepted!"

"But I didn't mean to pick- I was just asking! I never even played paintball before!"

"You saying you wanna back out? Oh, right, I shoulda said this before, if you lose the challenging challenge, _you_ have to move out."

"What? That's absurd." Pearl stepped in front of the male Gem. "We are not leaving our temple for _any_ reason."

Carl grinned. "I'm sure a Pikmin infestation would be a pretty good reason." He saw her about to speak, and cut her off. "Up! Reminder! The authorities are on _my_ side. I give them cool stuff. What do you give them?"

She narrowed her eyes at him. "_Saved lives._"

"Pfft, we do that, only with _style_. Like Rip did with your's earlier today. Now are you in it or not? And by the way, I'm only accepting paintball as the challenging challenge now. So either we both stay here, or we're playing that specific game. One or the other. Pick one."

Pearl exhaled in defeat. "Where did you get the soundproof-"

She felt a hand on her shoulder. Looking to her side, she found Garnet.

"Why back down when we know we will win?"

"Yeah, she makes a point," Amethyst tossed in, "This guy can't even tell time. How do we know he can handle a paintball gun? Steven?"

"Well... yeah! We can fight off carrots, right guys?"

"Wait!" Carl shouted. "Before Pearl says yes and seals the deal, I wanna say three things. This will be a paintball game that goes by almost no rules except 'Touch paint and you're out,' this will be a best two out of three, and always expect the unexpected."

The final Crystal Gem to put a word on accepting shot a glare in Carl's direction. "If it's the easiest way to make you leave..."

"Great! First match's in three days at noon, second's three more days, third's in three days after that. Meet me by my house, over at the woods. And as an added bonus, I _won't_ play my music in any day in between, except for the days with paintball matches and that's only if I win."

"If you could stop playing at any time convenient then you wouldn't be a problem here!"

"Sorry, but that's not my decision. It's my music's."

"Uh, Pearl, are you sure his loud guitar is the only thing wrong with him?" Amethyst asked.

* * *

All armed with long-range rifles capable of firing explosive globs of tyrian-purple paint, the Gems lined up in front of the manor bordering a seemingly endless forest.

"Carl!" Steven shouted, "It's a few minutes before noon! Where are you!"

"Over here!" He called from a spot off to the side of the house, of which the team calmly followed over. Carl was sitting, leaning back casually, with Seras and Rip standing by his sides.

"Alright. For convenience to see who got legit hits and who was just victim of friendly fire, I think we shoulda had different colored paint. Our's is green. Well, really an ugly green-blue mix, thanks to _Seras_ over here making a mixup. Seriously toots. Next time leave Rip to the paint stu- Anyway, what's your color, a wimpy pink?"

They exchanged looks.

"Ah. I guess it is. Well, I guess now's the only time to find out, 'cuz I won't be anywhere _near_ that stuff."

He clapped before continuing. "Anyway, you're probably thinkin,' 'Why is there only three of them and four of us?' Well, you know how I said to always expect the unexpected? Rip, bring out teammate number four!"

Grinning, Rip stretched out an arm that soon turned into a mass of red mist holding giant eyes. Out of this haze spawned a large, black, solid coffin. Rip's arm quickly shrunk back to its normal state as she began unlocking it, with more of the red mist-like material leaking out as she unhooked each latch.

Finally, the box swung open. The inside started out with simple, soft white lining, however its other end was another plane of the haze, with even more eyes staring back out at the jewel-themed warriors. Out of this second fog stepped a figure, clad in a heavy dark green overcoat with a matching hat (bearing the same skull symbol as his sleeves, no less).

"Ladies," Rip said, giving an aknowledging glance to Steven while guesturing at the summoned man, "I'd like you to meet Hans Gunsche. Former Captain of the Millennium before an untimely death at the hands of one of Carl's now deceased allies. But we were friends. So I found his body, ate it, and he became the only familiar in our group to date that willingly works for us and is not just a mindless puppet of a former enemy."

"Are- are you sure _he's_ not a mindless puppet?" Steven said.

Hans responded by glancing at him, bright red eyes shining past a darkened face and through short, dull gray hair.

"Sorry," Rip said while doing what the Gems figured was retreating the coffin back into her arm, "He's not much of a talker."

"Well now that you've met the new guy," Carl said before loudly clapping and shooting his palms up, "Let the games begin!"

* * *

The Gems silently marched around the woods, eyes scanning in all directions and fingers kept at the ready.

Steven cried out the second something in the bushes rustled, and he fired in the direction of the sound. There was a grunt, and out crawled Carl, a huge pink stain contrasting his dark outfit on the side.

"Dang!" The Martian said, "I'm done for already?"

Steven, Pearl, and Amethyst broke into laughter.

"_We have nothing to worry about oh my gosh!_" The latter managed to say in the middle of her particular laugh.

More rustling, followed by a voice.

"Sh! Seras! I think I hear them!"

That was definitely Rip's. All four of her rivals aimed right at the spot with the rustling and took a respective shot, hearing what sounded like Seras wailing. Rip popped out, disgruntled, with Hellsing's other woman joining shortly after. The latter had pink dripping from one side of her hair.

"Half." Rip said. "We let half of our forces die within the first hour- no, _minute_. Lucky for you Captain is a better in stealth and-"

She dodged just as the Gems began shooting once again, dissapearing into a blur and answering with cackling laughter on her own. Carl and Seras exchanged glances.

"Well, this is embarassing." The green one said. "Wanna go back to the manor and party after the headcount at the end?"

Seras shrugged. "Sure."

Everyone in the scene soon left. The Gems all fled out straight ahead, leaving Carl and Seras to akwardly trail out with their heads hung down in shame.

The first group's run was soon halted once Rip swung herself from the trees, feet hanging from a branch. She held out what seemed like a modified musket at them.

"Surprise!" The midnight-haired woman cried, before point-blank sniping the technical front of the line, Garnet. While she was hit, she made no reaction to the new teal splat of paint. She didn't even flinch.

She did, however, smirk shortly after, as Pearl leaped up ahead from behind the red Gem and shot right at the huntress's face, hitting her at such force that it broke the branch she was hanging on and sent her flying backward. Rip tumbled around the grass before getting up, jabbing her paint-musket in the ground in anger.

"Okay, you got me! But all that's left is the Captain! He is an excellent fighter you know! Back on the Millennium, he was considered their trump card! The huntress may go down, but the wolf is still roaming the forest, and sometimes the canines can be more deadly than a man! You better-"

"Would you _shut up_?" Amethyst interrupted.

Rip replied by putting her gun over her shoulders and marching off in a huff. Garnet calmly walked out herself.

Amethyst sighed. "Pearl, you were right. Staying in a straight line was a great idea."

She gave a slight nod. "Yeah but... we still lost someone."

A low growl was heard somewhere in the middle of the thickness; nobody was sure what direction it came from.

"That must be the Captain." Pearl continued, "Amethyst, search the tree tops. Steven, stay with me."

As the purple one bolted up and off, another roar was heard. This one closer. And seemingly more agressive. And somehow less dog-like.

"S-Steven..."

"Relax Pearl. We only know that Rip... thinks he's powerful. And... well, if Rip can be trusted, then she wouldn't be 'dead' right?"

A cloud of mist tore through the leaves, bearing itself in the shape of a large canine head. One eye shone a bright, blinding red, the other being duller but by no means less malicious. Rows of sharp teeth opened widely, capable of and appearing to be ready to swallow all four of the proud warriors. The smoke soon retracted back to the familiar shape of the man in green, who quickly drew out a lengthy sort of gun and shot the pair with green. Both hits were right on their hearts.

The man himself felt something hit the side of his face, and looked to see a cackling Amethyst leaping from the treetops, bombarding him with shots as she ran closer. The Captain showed no reaction to this becide turning towards her. And smirking.

Still being shot, Hans closed his eyes and dropped his weapon, holding his hands up. As the number of pink splats on him increased, he clapped once before calmly walking out of the woods.

Amethyst did not stop until she ran out of ammo.

"See that? _That's_ how annoying you guys are!" She cried.

* * *

"Impossible." Carl said.

"Um, yeah, I shot him." Amethyst re-assured. "You say he's used to being in heavy combat. Maybe all of that training kinda wimped him out when it comes to a game where one hit kills you? And I guess all that waiting around while London cops took out your baddies just kinda let you go... soft."

"No, I refuse to believe it." He held out his hands as though he were trying to stop a car, "I may have seen _my elimination_ with my own eyes and I still can't believe it! Much less something I haven't even seen!"

"Are you really that arrogant? I told you before, I don't have a drop of paint on me! What, do I have to take off my clothes to prove that to you?"

Carl sighed. "No. Come on Hellsing, let's get outta here. We still have rounds two and three."

* * *

Speaking of taking off clothes, Carl was curled up in a running shower naked, sobbing with his face burried into his knees. Not even remotely within the same range as the same decibel as his music, but it was still a concern of Rip and Seras. The blonde spoke first.

"Uh... Carl...?" She said, "C-C-Carl, why are you crying?"

He finally lifted his head up. "It's that match, Seras! That stupid match! It made me realize just how much everyone outside of London hates me!"

"Well, you- you see-"

"And it's not just me either, it's you! Everybody except London hates you too!"

She moved back.

"T-That's simply not true Carl! I'm sorry to say that you're the one who-"

"Nah, you're livin' in denial." He suddenly sprung up to his feet. "Ya' see, you and Rip both have this thing called guilt by association. See, watch, try to go back outside. In the town. See how they like you. Go watch a movie or somethin'. You'll see what I mean."

Rip nodded. "With pleasure."

* * *

The pair of women walked to the entrance to the large, indoor theater, both carrying grins (each showing different personas) and face masks. They swiftly put them on just before getting there.

"Two-a tickets, please." Rip said under the guise of a certain green-hatted plumber. "For _Blind Dagger_."

"It's a me, Mario?" Seras called.

The man behind the stand lowered his newspaper to look at them with an unamused glare.

"You're not Rip Van Winkle and Seras Victoria, are you?" His question barely had more curiosity than a statement.

"Who?" Rip said, lowering her mask in a vain attempt to look convincing. Her Italian accent dropped. "We're just two very energetic _Mario_ fans. Very. Who happened to want to watch a new action-comedy film."

Seras began, "It's a compromise. She wanted this surreal horror film, and I wanted something that I could understand-"

"Yeah, look," the man behind the glass put his paper down completely. "We banned Hellsing from this theater. And as part of the ban, anyone who wants to come in has to show an ID. And, uh, their _face_."

Both of the heroines seemed to stop moving completely for a second. Following this, they removed their masks, Rip practically throwing her's.

"See Seras, Carl was right! We _are_ unwelcomed in this new society! Come on, let's go!"

Rip practically dragged her away by the arm (Seras muttering "But... it's just one theater"), before freezing once she heard Amethyst's laughter from around the corner. The blue-haired huntress and her teammate turned around to find her running up to the stand. She sneezed right on the glass, withdrawing some money from her pockets and wiping her nose with the bills as she flashed a grin at the Hellsing women.

"One ticket for _Remake: The Sequel_. And do it fast, low-life! I have an entire species I need to protect, I don't _deserve_ long waits!"

For what seemed like the first time to Rip and Seras, the man behind the ticket counter smiled. "Oh, you're one of the Crystal Gems right? Sure thing! In fact," He examed the cash and took out a pencil, pushing the bills he thought were the most snot-covered back to her. "I'm giving you a discount, just for today!"

Seras and Rip could only gasp as the payment was made and they found the ticket being waved in their faces.

"See?" Amethyst said. "You're _that_ bad."

"F-f-for..." Rip stuttered, "Just for playing music?"

"Um, Rip," Seras began shaking, "You're still holding my arm, and your grip is starting to hurt..."

Fire burned up behind her blue eyes as Amethyst walked inside, and as Seras had stated she began gripping the blonde tighter.

"NO!" She screamed, causing the man behind the counter to roll his eyes and hold the newspaper back up. "That crosses the line! I will not stand to get bested by a slob like that!"

"Well- Well... Rip, what can we do about it?"

"Practacing. Starting **today**, I'm gonna force Carl to participate in one-on-one matches with me. Three times a day."

"What about me?" Seras said, continuing to struggle from Rip's grasp as she began using her free hand to push back against her.

"You and Captain can- oh, sorry," she freed the cop's arm, "You and Captain can join if you want, but I want Carl for two reasons. One: Sticking to paintball was his moronic idea. And two: You can't play paintball by yourself."

* * *

"CARL!" Rip shouted as she threw the curtain open. He turned a green face over to her direction, before quickly fidgiting in a panic and reaching for a towel.

"Hey there, Rip. Seras." He then nodded at the reason why he got a towel as he said the reason's title. "_Captain_. How was the movie?"

"You were right, Beach City hates us. But that will change! All it takes is to get rid of these Gems, then they will see ourselves in our own glory!"

"Yeah, that's if we _win_."

"We will! As long as you join Seras, Captain and I in thrice a day practace runs!"

"Er...-"

"Seras and Captain volunteered, but for you it's not optional without putting the life of your guitar on ri-"

"Yeah babe, if there's a plan - _any plan_ - to get us to number one, I'll take it!"

"Great! These are all free-for-alls, first match starts in an hour. Hope to see you there, or else-"

"Yeah, yeah, smashy-smashy the guitary-tary. Look Rip, you don't need to convince me. I'll follow what you say to the letter. ...Well, as long as it _works_."

"And if it doesn't?"

Carl laughed. "I'll come up with some form of payback. 'Only reason I haven't yet is because I have faith in you."

* * *

Just like the time three days ago, the Gems had been lined up, equiped, with their own guns.

"Hey Hellsing, we came." Amethyst said upon getting a glimpse of all four of them either standing or sitting with their heads hung down (well, Carl was the only one who sat) "Are you gonna surrender?"

They slowly raised their heads, all of them bar Captain wearing sly grins.

"Everyone deserves a second chance. This is our's. And the next match will be _your's_. Garunteed."

He tried to make himself look intimidating by standing up in the slowest manner possible. After he was at the point where his legs were straightened, he clapped to start off the second round.

"Let the games begin!"

All four members of Hellsing darted off in different directions right after the announcement, at bullet speed.

* * *

"Hello? Uhhhh hello?" Carl said, practically limping through the middle of the woods. "I'm minin' for gems here! Heh heh... Are there any?"

"_Ohhhh yes there iiiis..._" He heard Amethyst's voice through the bushes.

"_Make that twooooo..._" Steven taunted from another direction.

"Really now? How do I know you're not using some recording?"

They both jumped out, making no hesitation to fire point-blank at him. He continued grinning as he was getting hit, his assailants closing in to add to the paint on his dumb green combat pants and his now looking-uncanny eyes and slipping through those weird lines going down from his head to his feet- wait.

Amethyst found out first, stopping Steven when they were in arm's reach. A silent purple hand pointing up made him realize what she noticed; thin black strings were going up from his head, now easier to see with some of the paint having splashed on it. Trailing up, they found Carl - the _real_ Carl - holding the other end, standing on a branch.

"Don't even bother running away." He said.

"Why not?" Steven croaked, suddenly feeling hit with a wave of dread.

"Well this marionette here is like a self-portrait, a work of art. And there's this one great guy in this one mediocre show I watched once who has this one great catch phrase."

Carl drew out and unfolded an umbrella as the puppet exploded into a mushroom cloud of teal-colored paint. This knocked back both of the Crystal Gems present up to the nearest tree, pushing them with great force as the flood of elimination practically drowned them. After the lake of paint lowered to shallowness as it spread out through the forest, leftover rain (to which Carl combatted by holding out his umbrella the other way) continued falling down in thick globs, adding to the mockery coloring them.

"That art is an explosion!"

Not too far from them, Garnet was on another branch holding her whiter (and currently hyperventalating) companion up from the jade-colored death below.

"Oh my..." Was all Pearl could remark. "_**Oh my!**_

"Garnet, if you let go will I be...?"

"Yes. Touch paint and you're out."

"P-p-p-perhaps... we should split up from now on. And on the third game. If there will _be_ a third game and Carl doesn't blow us up too."

"There will be a third game if he does blow us up. If we win, there won't be."

"Oh... oh right." She gave a sigh in relief, as Garnet lifted her up more to seat her on that tree's same limb. Her breath was slowing to a more standard pace. "I almost forgot. We have a second chance. Like they did. _And look how they used it_."

One of the nearby bushes raised up, revealing it to be Seras simply taking cover under some kind of advanced camouflage dome or something. Pearl and Garnet took no note in that she had a theoretical safe circle as she aimed her gun at the pair and shot several times, thankfully missing each shot. Frustrated, Seras took out a number of knives and threw them so that they formed a row stabbing the ground. Following this, she hopped across the knives until she reached a dry spot, dissappearing into the forest. Pearl, trying to get up from now being on her hands and knees at this point, turned to her last surviving teammate.

"This is insane! How did-"

Garnet clasped a large hand over her mouth. "It's not safe talking here."

She then leaped off in a red blur, first at the safe circle Seras left behind, then around the treetops once more.

It was only after being alone that Rip's following words flew threw the woods. Previously they fell flat, their intentions not carrying much at all. Previously she was a rambling child, too energetic compared to even the rest of her organization. Previously she seemed like a silly little hero wannabe, but it was amazing how now being on her bad side suddenly gave her the ability to make one's blood run cold.

"Silly, silly Pearl. Do you not think that challenging a huntress at a game with guns was a bad idea?"

She barely caught onto the glint her glasses shone from the sunlight (thank goodness this was played at high noon), based on the circle of not-aqua she too had a safety dome. Finding her spectacles just in time, Pearl dodged to where Seras had been as the seagreen blob whizzed past her. Now seeing Rip as a full figure instead of a shadow, Pearl looked in confusion as she tossed her musket aside. It landed in the puppet-bomb's paint.

"You're giving up your gun?"

"Yes."

"But... you missed."

Rip's teeth glowed at her, as though her mouth was made of nothing but bioluminescent fangs.

"I never miss."

Pearl heard some sound; the only direct comparason she could draw from the short window of time was that it would belong to a high-energy weapon. Turning to the source behind her, she had found that the paint had been coated in a bright azure light, zig-zagging around the forest before dive-bombing right into her face.

"_Yooooou looooose_!" Rip sang. Pearl, now finally joined by Steven and Amethyst (covered head to toe), groaned.

"Well tha-"

Rip had already sped off, laughing behind her, "Nice passing the Bechdel Test nonsense with you though! My only true female companion right now isn't very topical!"

* * *

"Alright Ruby- or whatever your name is-" Carl said with mallace, walking foreward in slow and even steps. "You lost. Drop your weapon and I won't shoot you."

Garnet looked around the clearing: Along with Carl, Seras, Captain, and Rip (for those curious, in that order with the next person to the last's left) had formed a faux-square around her.

"There is one thing I want you to know." She said, barely audiable to even the vampires.

Turning her head down, she dropped the gun. Carl replied by doing the same, though Garnet watched as none of his teammates followed in suit. Taking this as a warning sign, she activated her gauntlets.

Carl snapped his fingers, confirming her fears. "Seras."

She raised her huge paint-cannon at her only remaining opponent, just to get a reaction where she dove her fists at the ground, causing a shockwave that briefly swept all four of Hellsing off their feet. Captain was the first to regain his balance, looking over at his adversary in admiration. Carl, the second, had a different emotion entirely.

"That the Crystal Gems will never give up." She finished.

"Okay you wanna be wise?" Carl gripped his gun so hard that it practically broke. "Big mistake! That's it! Hellsing! SHOW _**NO MERCY**_ ON HER!"

Once again, Garnet had no reply to being shot. In this case it was repeatedly. And with the case of Rip's next gun, several of those times were with the same ball of paint, until she lost control of all the paint in it and had to fire another. Once they were done, Seras and Rip looked over at Carl with concern, seeing as the green man was breathing heavily.

"And that's round two! You knew you were gonna lose, and you still tried to cheat me. I hate that. Reminds me of a guy I once knew back in Mars...

"His life was miserable before I left. Knowing him it still probably is now; I don't know, I don't want a post card from the guy or anything. And I want your life to be miserable too. Change of plans: Third match will be at sunset instead."

He looked around his teammates, and behind him to see the other three Gems observing the scene. "Seeing as you made me mad and Sugilite back there made Rip mad, ticking off vampires must run in your little Chaos Emerald family over there. The only missing link is Seras, but it's only a matter of time before Opal annoys her too. It would be a _pleasure_ to send the Pikmin after you when you lose."

"But the Pigmen are _carrot_ things!" Amethyst remarked. "We can-"

Carl turned to her, deadpan. She froze.

"They're called _Pikmin_. And if you don't think they're bad, welllll... let me send you a video."

* * *

"Mr. Stevens, care to explain your strategy for defeating this... 'Eternity Wraith,' as it calls itself?"

"Sure, reporter-gal. And I want the Crystal Gems to hear this too." Carl's mood has definitely lightened by the time he was in the news report - impressive seeing as only a few hours have passed since the game. "As you can see here, with strategic thinking and the power of numbers, the Pikmin are reducing this ghost reaper thing to nothin' but smoke and air."

A few more minutes of this and Garnet would have thought that she actually needed to manually lift up the jaws of her comrades as they sat watching the local news. Thankfully, Pearl broke the silence.

"_Those_ are the Pikmin?"

"The same carrot things from the day we met?" Amethyst added.

"I- I can't watch the whole thing-"

"You just did! They're finished killing it _already_!"

"Ughhhh. What else is on? When Carl said he will send us a video, I-"

Amethyst was quick to grab the remote, switching the channels as quickly as she could. Channel one... a man and a teen flying off into the moon on a rocket car. Nope. Channel ten... a quartet of teenagers blasting off to an alien planet to retrieve... what are they talking about, an atom? Seemed adorable, but no because space. Channel six... a girl breaking into some prison cell-like room and turning a critically injured boy into an immortal vampire. Seems like a cute love story, tainted by the green man. Channel five...

_"Yo yo yo, wassup everyone! This is Ezekiel Foster Smithy here, AKA Zeksmit, winner of the-"_

Finally, the electronic was turned off. Nobody really liked that last particular show, even if there wasn't much in it to connect to Carl or Hellsing. It seemed very bland, took too long, and the main character was obnoxious. Plus during the rare times the Gems decided to glance around at the TV they found networks always advertising it, even though it only lasted three episodes before going on some big hiatus. Actually it wasn't just networks either; billboards, smart phone ads, very eager people with fliers, and even works of literature that had the audacity to shove a blatant reference to it in their words. Hopefully that hiatus will end soon, because the sooner that gets back on the road, the sooner it will end, and the sooner everything will finally _stop talking_ about it.

"Come on, guys!" Steven cheered, "We're given a second chance, we should use it too! This is our time to make a comeback! We just need to come up with an amazing plan! Like- like..."

"Like pack your bags." Amethyst said. "We already lost."

"Well... no... Pearl?"

She shrugged. "Sorry Steven. We may have strength, agility, dexterity, melee weapons, and biological immortality, but they have speed, stealth, and range. That's the kind of fighting they're used to. And paintball is a game that benefits anyone with those factors."

He turned to Garnet.

"Well, that makes it two against two, right Garnet?"

"...It's one against three."

"What! But that ground-punch, and that 'the Crystal Gems will never give up-'"

"A bluff. I thought the Pikmin would be much weaker than..." She guestured at the still-inactive TV. "That."

"Hmph!" He leaped off of the couch, turning to face his sister-figures. "Come on, you guys! Where's the team spirit? Um... something something, _always save the day!_ And if you think we can't, _we'll __**always**__ find a way!_ You liked that song so much we sang it together once! Remember! Re... Remember?"

"We're more used to fighting monsters, not... Carls and Rips." Pearl said.

"And becides," Amethyst added, "It's not like we can't sneak into the temple in disguise or go into hiding-"

"No! I will not quit to a sleaze like Carl!"

"Did we not get hit by the same bomb?" Amethyst lept by him, as if that would convince him to settle a little. "That almost _killed_ us! _He almost killed us over a paintball game!_ I'm out for the third match."

The following round of silence was quickly broken by a reasurring from Pearl.

"Well, I'm _in_ for the third game, but-"

He stared at them for a few seconds, before turning around and going to the door in a huff.

"Where are you going?" Pearl asked.

"To get some tips from the people in Beach City! At least _they_ don't give up because some vampires and a ghost dog know how to make squares!"

He slammed the door on his way out, leaving the other Gems staring at the doorway, speechless.

Steven opened it again and grabbed his ukulele.

"I... think I'm gonna need some musical inspiration."

* * *

He must have darted around for hours, searching for any possible answers or even hints to answers, talking to almost anyone he can find on the subject.

Nothing.

All he had gotten amounted to preaching to the choir. Their music sounded good, but it was too loud at too innapropriate of a time. No advice on how to beat them. No advice on how to find some clever work around. Not even a _clue_ on dealing with the Pikmin.

Steven was on what was probably his fifth lap circling the city. His notes were losing meaning as he strummed aimlessly on his instrument, thinking that a tune will lead him in. Hm... maybe, no... add a little- wait, the note there should be higher-

He tripped, landing himself face-down in the middle of the beach. The sands still holding the heat of the sun, still out yet halfway to the bottom, this might not have burned so badly if it wasn't for the of the Gem's sudden loss at the hands of Carl's bombing. And Hellsing basically besting them in every way.

Steven felt a shadow being cast over him, but when he looked up, the source was at first cloaked in darkness from the sun light behind it.

"Hey." It said. Definitely a man's voice. A middle-aged man. "You're one of those Gems fellas aren't you? And you're in the middle of a fight with those Hellsing punks?"

"A... are you an angel?" Steven asked, getting back up. While he lifted himself, the view was clear now: He was definitely in his fourties, dressed in a simple white shirt and blue jeans. Short brown hair, and glinting square glasses. His appearance was nothing unamusing, but this guy in general was new. Could he...?

"No, but I work with God's gas." He held out a hand. "Hank Hill, assistant manager of Strickland Propane. Now, I came here with my wife and my son a few days ago for- well, it's a long story involvin' an opera singer and ya' wouldn't believe me, but long story short I know how you feel. Exactly."

"What?"

"Me and my buddies back in Texas had a little paintball match with these punk teenagers. We lost twice, but the third time... we had a little plan."

He jumped up, eyes sparkling stars at those words. "A plan? What is it?"

"Know the enemy. Study them. Find their weaknesses, their behaviors... maybe even knowing their _strengths_ will help. Turn it against them-

"Sorry, I can't stay very long. My son and wife might see you and you'll uh... never be able to leave. They're kinda 'fandoms' of you guys, or whatever the word is. So hurry now, run off and tell this to your co-workers!"

"I will!"

"Really? Well that's great! Ya' know, you sort of remind me of my own son..." He said as Steven began running off back to the temple, "...in a way..."

* * *

Steven slammed the door open. "Guys!"

The room was empty. Not finding much to do, he simply sat. And waited.

About an hour later, they finally teleported back into the temple, kicking at a few spare flames on them.

"Sorry, we had to fight a living gas giant planet made of fire." Pearl said, brushing off more flares on her shoulder. "We weren't gone too long, were we?"

"No- er... don't worry, because I got it!" Steven pumped a fist in the air.

"Got... what?"

"The plan!"

"What plan?"

"The plan..." he gave a dramatic pause, "To beat... Carl!"

"Oh yeah, I thought about that too." Amethyst tossed in, "We should use Pearl as bait! Get one or two of them to shoot her, and then BAM! You, Garnet and I - I change my mind, I'm gonna be there for round three - will-"

"Amethyst!" Pearl shouted.

"Yeah, you're right. Steven, you should be bait instea-"

"Amethyst!" This time, everyone bar the offender shouted.

"Okay," Steven finally announced. "The plan is that we spend the next three days studying them. Everything we can learn about them. And we'll use it against them! Oh, and also, it's a little out-there, but..."

* * *

Captain looked around the interior of the Big Donut, before looking face to face at Lars. The teen behind the counter gave him a look of disgust as Hans flashed him a paper reading, "Five donuts. They're for Carl."

"Oh _boy_. If it isn't Hellsing's _dog-thing_. What are you anyway, a werewolf? A-"

He nodded, causing Lars to grin.

"Oh, I bet you wouldn't like it if I did... _this_ then!"

He drew a fork, and stabbed the air in front of him several times. He laughed. "I used one made of real silver! Come on, you can't _really_ be weak to silver, are you? As if your group isn't impossible to take seriously already!"

Hans snarled at him, just so slightly.

"Lars, don't taunt him." Sadie said, looking at the member of Hellsing. "I think even Carl is good at heart! And this guy doesn't deserve to be blamed for something he doesn't do!"

Captain soon got his order, which he carefully retreated. This did not go unseen by Garnet, who at some point had set herself to the doorway. She found the Captain directly in front of her, thanks to his incredible speed, and the pair stared at eachother before the green-clad man walked off.

Garnet nodded, followed by taking out a notepad and pencil and scribbling a maze.

* * *

Seras weakly pushed the door open and walked out of the blood bank, trying not to draw attention to the stares a fourth of the people there were giving her. Wincing at the afternoon sunlight, she retreated to a back alley and quickly drained a blood pack she had been hiding behind her back. Overhead, Amethyst leaped from the rooftop of one of the alley buildings to another and whipped out a notepad and pencil of her own. She checked to see if Seras noticed the jump before writing, to see Rip walking over to her.

"Seras! I keep telling you, you need to get used to your life as a vampire! My, has the old manor invasion really taught you anything? You _still_ don't even like phasing through walls!"

After tapping her chin with the eraser, Amethyst wrote "Seras still doesn't like being a vampire." More taps. "And might be weak to sunlight, like the kind we're all use to."

* * *

"Seras! I keep telling you, you need to get used to your life as a vampire! My, has the old manor invasion really taught you anything? You _still_ don't even like phasing through walls!"

After giving the rant to Seras, Rip turned into shadow and slipped through the floor, finally leading to around-the-corner Pearl to lose track.

"Okay... what did you learn..."

She got out a third notepad and began scribbling.

"Rip compares herself to someone from a story. She fears someone who might be the story's villain."

Underneath that, she added another line reading "She repeats the word 'Badguy,' and says it like a last name. Conduct research on that."

* * *

Carl looked at the brunette in a green shirt and blue pants down the store's aisle and ran his hand through his hair, studying her. "Hm..." he said to himself, "Maybe.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't help but notice that you got a spectacularly thick novel there. Interesting. You must be the kind of person to invest a lot of time in things. That's to say... I wouldn't pick something similar, of course, I don't like _literature_ that much- but enough about me anything... about you?"

She turned around, adjusting her glasses. "Why yes. You see, back in Texas I was trying to get into my town's local book club, but I couldn't! Now that we're here in a town full of fresh faces, I think I can-"

_Oh man._ Carl thought. _Forgot to get a look at the front first. This woman is old. Llike, 40s old. And talks a __**lot.**__ Mostly about herself. I'm afraid to ask her name, but I feel like I should... just to get the complete picture. She sounds and looks like a redneck. And- OH MY. What is WITH those huge FEET?_

"Yeah, yeah, that's nice. I'm Carl."

"And I'm Peggy Hill, substitute teacher of the year for three years in a row-"

Carl was visibly groaning, holding his head down and resting it in a palm. He pulled out a book on his own and thumbed through it, shaking his head, dropping it, and kicking it just underneath the aisle.

On the end of the hall right where Carl's back was turned to, Steven tried to remain hidden behind the nearby rows, constantly moving his head in and out so that Carl entered and left his view. This went on for some time, until he completely dissapeared as he made his own notes.

"Carl does not care about women that much." He wrote and quietly spoke, tapping his lead on the paper. "Or books!"

"Hey!" Hank's voice sounded from the other side. "What are you doin' with my wife?"

Steven giggled, turning and risking his hiding spot.

This was gonna be _good_.

* * *

**Closing AN:**

Welp, like I said before this was originally going to be a one-shot, but I'm splitting the chapters because as a whole it was too long. It's not like that would matter by much, though, since unless this goes horribly wrong I should have both chapters out on the same day at near-the same time.

Yes, in spite of being an alien Carl's blood is, in fact, red. It's red in HUC too. And all of his other appearances for that matter.

Appologies if a later episode reveals that the higher ups in Beach City are actually competant.

Also at this rate Carl is a bit more based on how the portrayal of him from HUC _went_ instead of the actual celebrity he was a knock off of. Which is Charlie Sheen. I'm only saying this because it isn't really that obvious at all any more, especially if you don't know about the "tiger's blood" thing.

I want to clairify that each limb of that colossal Slender Man knockoff at the beginning also slowly grows over time, so that they won't become ridiculously short from all the doubling. How it managed to reach that size in the first place... I'll let you decide. And that Slender Man knockoff was a bit of a copy of an earlier idea I had. Specifically, Aranea's Slender Mode transformation in _Sweet Jade and Hella John_.


	2. Symbiotic Plan

**Carl Stevens Unierse**

**Chapter 2: Symbiotic Plan**

**Beginning AN:**

I believe everything I can say about this story in general without spoiling this chapter has been covered in the first's beginning and closing ANs. I don't have anything to say for now without giving much away (pretty much _everything_ that happens here is a spoiler by this fic's standards), aside from how this is planned to be the _last_ opening AN I make without any real commentary! After this, I'm just gonna skip from the chapter title straight to the content!

...It would probably be a bit more... "lonely?" like this I guess?

* * *

Armed with no less than five paint guns at a time each, the mighty four went through the same routine they did every third day before.

"Carl!" Steven shouted into the forest. "The sun's almost down! Where are you?"

All four members sped into their usual position at the opening to the woods, guns in tow.

"Let's get this over with! Let the game of your new dumb paintball begin!"

"Woah woah woah," Carl said, waving out his hands. "First of all, _I_ call the match. Second of all this isn't even any paintball, kid. It's something called _Ed_ Paintball. Haven't you heard of this brilliant new game scheme? The Ed- brand means you can do practically anything. No needless rules bogging me down."

"And do these rules include what geographical limits the game is played?" Pearl asked with a smirk. Carl started ahead.

"Uh..."

Rip bumped his shoulder. "She means the place where we have the match."

"Oh, right! Yeah sure, if you're getting tired of the woods-"

"Well that's convenient. We thought _you_ were getting tired of that same old forest, practicing three times a day every day after you won."

"Yeah that's right," Carl tried to force a smirk on his own, but apparantly his dislike towards Garnet's move at the end of the previous round canceled out the emotion that would be added to his ego. "We're even stronger than we were before. Once you step into these woods, we become killing machines. Oh, and PS, we started _after we lost the first match._"

"Good. _Then we'll stay out of the woods_."

"I- oh... _clever_. Well then, let's not stall any more," He did his signature clap again, "Let the games begin!"

Within flashes of light, Garnet, Pearl, and Amethyst were all transformed into red, aqua, and purple squirrels. Steven looked over at them, appearing to be uncertain, as the first scurried in the direction of the city, the second towards the forest, and the third to the new Hellsing Manor.

"Garnet!" Steven cried, chasing after the red squirrel, "Wait up!"

Hellsing, meanwhile, looked at the scene in confusion. Carl was the first to have any motion to a part beyond his eyes, after his sight locked in on the purple squirrel's destination and he began chasing after her. "Oh no you don't! That's my house, you hear me, _my house!_"

The other three members of Hellsing were still dumbfounded.

"Captain," Rip said in an attempt to break the silence, "Why don't you go after the big one and the boy? Carl's got his hands full, and Seras and I can handle Pearl. After all, stalking the woods is more of a vampire thing than a werewolf thing."

He nodded, taking off after the only Gems who formed a pair.

* * *

It was no surprise at all that Captain had caught up to Steven at a near-instantanious rate. In fact, if one was surprised in the scene, it was Hans himself. Particularly at the part where Steven aimed one of his numerous guns at him (the others long being tucked away in that cheeseburger-shaped backpack of his), causing him to briefly jump back to a point father away from them. Although he figured that this wouldn't do them any good, seeing as they were in the middle of a large, flat, barren patch of dirt.

Garnet glowed again, regaining her more familiar form and quickly cloaking her hands in guantlets following the transformation.

"Now, Garnet!" Steven shouted.

She jabbed her hands into the ground, yanking once to reveal a sudden, large square-shaped chunk that had previously mixed in well with the surrounding environment. Captain was standing on this square, so he backflipped off and just a few feet away to avoid what he presumed was a fatal attack. Garnet continued lifting, revealing what from below looked like a large, silver maze, embedded to the underside of the square of rock, with spikes (also made of silver) lining the walls and ceiling. And an exit out from one side. Only being able to react to Steven's subsequent shooting at him, Hans was eventually backed up to the point where he was far away enough from the hole for the maze to not hover over it. Far enough for Garnet to throw the chunk of land at him, trapping him in the exact center. A low growl was heard.

"Uh Garnet," Steven said, "Are you sure you calculated his speed right?"

"Yes. If I know him, he should make his way through the course and get to the exit right about..."

He darted out, only to feel something splashing him right as he sped through the exit. He took off his hat, and noted that the top of it _and_ his shoulders had paint on them. Steven fell on his back, laughing.

"Next time you go through a maze, watch out for trip wires! And water balloons, just hanging right there above the way out!"

He gave another nod and walked off, all the while Steven continued laughing.

"I still can't believe you burried an entire maze!"

"It was tedious work. But it was worth it."

* * *

"You can run, Sapphire, but you can't _hiiiiiiiide_!" Carl practically sang as he strode down the halls and began climbing the stairs, "This is my own house!"

"Oooh..." This was an unfamiliar voice - definitely a woman's. "And what an impressive house it is!"

"Wh-who said that?" He looked around, "Is there a girl here? You're not my stalker, are you?"

He looked at the top of the staircase to find Amethyst, grinning wickedly as she held up a recording device.

"Nope!" Carl shouted, jumping off of the stair's railing. "Not falling for that!"

"Yoooou almost diiid!" She cried, jumping off and running after him.

Carl darted into a random room, trying to keep the door close with a random chair. He heard the Gem lightly try to turn the nob, before he ran towards a wardrobe in panic. He just managed to hide himself in the empty closet that basically served as _decoration_ by the time Amethyst kicked the door down with zero effort.

"Carl!" She paced around the seemingly empty room, not letting go of her gun, "Where aaaare you?"

He had been watching out through the very, very slight crack in the doors. Feeling as though he was going to die, he whipped out a smart phone in panic.

"Seras. It's me." He whispered. "Are you out yet? Ah, good. I need you to- What, no! I'm whispering because Sapphire is in this room with me right now and I'm hiding from her! No, she won't fall for the puppet twice, and I uh... don't have it with me right now. I forgot it, okay! Look, I need backup. I'm sure Diamond over there is an easy task for Rip, and Captain should handle Crimson and the kid- wait... Captain's dead? Well, that's another reason why I need you here! Sapphire's too much for one guy to handle!

"...Yes Seras, Sapphire is the purple one. Oh? Amethyst? That's her name? Well shoot, sorry if I'm not an expert on colors. I'm more of a sound type of guy, you know-"

The doors swung open, revealing Carl's hunter staring at him right in the face. Well, sort of. The hieght difference combined with the extra step that the wardrobe provided made her seem much less intimidating than she would have been. Not that that still didn't send Carl jumping out of the closet and over her, soaring through the air and rolling into a kneel. She laughed.

"You are _terrible_ outside of the woods."

"Look! Bad things happened in my old manor!" He started backing out of the room, trying to aim his gun at her, "And in my Martian beach house before that! I'm normally not a supersticious guy but-"

He thought he saw her picking up in speed, so he darted around the corner and vanished down the direction of the front door. Amethyst hummed a short tune to herself once words from Seras replaced his presence.

"Carl? Why did you run off? I thought I would be _assisting_ you, not _replacing_ you!"

"Check." Amethyst said to herself.

"Don't worry babe! In honor of the Captain, I'm goin' after Crimson and the boy!"

"Check _mate_. Steven, don't worry about the green man, I'm comin' for you. But first..."

She looked further down the hall, and aimed as Seras wandered in. Quickly, the Gem fired.

Seras reacted to the noise seemingly quicker than the gun itself did, leaping into both the air and the direction the sound came from. Add to that, upon landing she charged in the direction, firing two shots as she ran-

The cop found herself hit in the face with blinding white light, slowing down and focusing her glance to see Amethyst holding some kind of high-powered flashlight.

"Don't get too used to your unlit mansion, Police Girl." She bragged.

"Hmph! Only one person calls me 'Police Girl,' and he's dead!"

"Can I take his place then?"

Getting even more enraged, Seras jumped at a random direction away from the shine; unfortunately going through one of the walls, and hitting and completely destroying a support beam. As one could predict, the hallway, and the manor itself, would not last very long afterward. Seras could predict this too, staring in horror at the open gap in the hole in the wall while her current target ran outside.

Seras could only scream as the wood and concrete gave away and the hallway collapsed in on itself, the entire half of the house going with it.

* * *

Pearl, after since turning back into her original form, gazed around the woods with fret. Her hands slightly trembled, shaking the flashlight being held with them.

Still no sign of her. Rip had definitely shifted her tactacs between the last three days. More than she could say about the other three.

_Impressive._

She spun a complete one-eighty, still seeing absolutely nothing becides the completely still landscape. And a glimpse of something, off the path but instead through one of the thicker patches of trees. Is that... she turned again to get a better look...

A set of multiple bathrooms?

Even though the trail made it easier to look out for her and navigate, it also made Pearl more of a target, and gave her a clearer shot. Which is dangerous when dealing with someone who has the abilities of the huntress. The woods made for less navigation, but for Pearl this was hardly an issue and the addition of tall sticks that Rip's paint would have to navigate around - thus buying more time - was a payoff.

She darted inside, and for just that moment considered herself safe-

Until turning to see her, if briefly. Pearl only saw enough to make out the basics; shining glasses, tall and slender figure, and- was she growing tentacles? Pearl escaped to another room as a gunshot was heard, the familiar blue light following her briefly around the corner before stopping dead against a wall.

"Oh Pearl, do you really think you can hide from me? I'm nearly qualified to take down your entire organization by myself, with no need to waste the times of my commerades!"

"That is... a lot of talk coming from someone who I shot in the first game."

"Ah yes, but I thought this was made clear in the second..."

Rip slid along the floor, right into Pearl's view.

"...People change." She finished.

"Funny you should say that." Rang a voice behind her. Rip's legs started shaking at this voice, though her gun was still clearly aimed at the Gem with no sign of motion. "You know, being stranded at the bottom of the ocean for over two years gave me a lot to think about..."

Rip turned around, shuffling backwards with her paint-musket held in her sturdy hands and not once being held away from the target.

"Z-... Z-... Zam... Alu... Alucard?"

Pearl could see red mist crawling along the floor around the corner, as Rip leaped several feet back and closer to her. The Gem got ready to aim, but Rip turned her head around at the last second, forcing her to drop the weapon. She thought that if she tried to pull anything with Rip, she would shoot at her even in this predicament and get the last laugh in.

Following this mist was what looked like a man, cloaked in a blood red coat and bearing a matching hat.

"It's a shame we never got to meet earlier." He said. "Listen, Carl may judge you as a good being. Someone worthy of joining the organization that he perverted and turned into his teenage rockband fantasy. But I, as the longest serving member of Hellsing who is still standing on two feet, am about to declair an end to that."

"You have no authority over us! You never did! You died before Captain and I joi- and that, I thought you were _dead_!"

"That's what they all think. But every time, I come back to prove them wrong! Now Van Winkle, you have done terrible acts in the past, and I am here to make sure you do not go unpunished!"

Rip slid her feet back even further, aiming at the ready. She thought this would be futile - especially when dealing with paint for ammunition - before Pearl spoke up.

"Will you let me handle him, provided that I get to shoot you with paint and you don't shoot me?"

"YES! ANYTHNG! D-DO IT! DO IT NOW PEARL, NOW!"

Sighing that she finally has a clear shot, the Gem fired at the huntress (who didn't even flinch at the hit itself, but was trembling in fear at the sight of the red beast) and casually walked over to Alucard. Who had stopped walking towards Rip, for some reason.

Pearl gave a light tap on the back of Alucard's head, and he suddenly fell over, now completely motionless. She flashed a smirk at the recently eliminated member of Hellsing.

"Tell Carl that art does not have to be an explosion."

"Y- you mean..."

"I spent all three days hand-crafting that puppet."

"And the smoke?"

"A smoke machine!"

"The voice?"

"Actually, that was a _pre-recorded_ message from a stranger that sounded like him. We took studying you _very_ seriously."

Rip rolled her eyes and spiked her gun on the tiling. "Ugh! May Zamiel kill me anyway for making such a _stupid_ mistake. _Alucard living._ Pfft! It's almost a known FACT that the universe hates immortals or... something like that!"

* * *

"Amethyst!" Seras shouted. "I saw you go into that stadium! You can't deny it!"

She grunted as she walked into the football arena, getting a look around.

"This is starting to get personal. You made me destroy our own house! Carl may forgive me, but Rip will have a lot to say!"

One of the overhead lights went on, blaringly bright. Its five sisters soon followed one at a time in quick succession, in a circular order. Seras winced in pain.

"I know this is your doing! Show yourself, you... you... you're a coward, do you know that?"

"Some talk!" Amethyst's voice rang from a speaker. "Didn't you used to be one yourself?"

Seras tried to fight through the sudden sensory overload from both the lights and the deafening PAs. She re-focused her vision to find the target in a large, high skybox, playing around with a GPS before setting it on a table. How on Earth she got there while Seras tore through the rubble of her former-new-house was a mystery to the vampire. As with how she remodled the PA system. "I used to be a _cop_!"

"Yeah, I know. And like I always say..."

The bleachers were suddenly filled with the sounds of numerous people standing up, getting out of hiding, followed by them all clocking their paint guns.

"Forget the police! Well, that's not what I always say but there's kids around and-"

Seras suddenly dissapeared in a yellow blur, speeding down the course as the various residents took fire, dodging blot after blot with lightning speed. While watching this from above, Amethyst casually leaned back on a chair and looked up at a clock resting on the back wall.

After making it towards the field goal, Seras flew into the air and gave a hard punch through the glass sheilding the announcement room.

"Why did you get..." she had to take a few heavy breaths, "The town to..."

"All he said was if you touch paint, you lose. Who says it has to be our's or your's?"

"Nobody!" Greg cried as he slammed the doors open, shooting paint of his own at Seras, which she answered with a quick blur past him and towards her main opponent-

Who drew out her whip and snapped Seras's only gun clean in half. Flinching, the blonde looked between the room's occupants and the stadium live with cheers to get the vampires out of Beach City, before running off into a blur out the door and into a hallway. With the swipe of a hand, she bent the doorway in on itself, sealing the pair in.

Greg and Amethyst stared at the only practical exit to the room, before the latter finally spoke.

"Fine! Avoid Steven's dad if you want! But you'll have to deal with the _entire town_ soon!"

"Hey, uh, Amethyst?" Greg asked.

"What?"

"You never told me she was gonna lock us in like this. How do I get out?"

* * *

Seras turned from the doorway and proceeded her way to the nearest elevator as fast as possible. Which is to say, it was not long before she had slammed a finger on the buttons and had the sounds of Amethyst re-shaping the blockade to its original form to keep her company while she waited for those doors to open. She looked at a sign. "_In the event of an energency, use stairs._" Seras scoffed, thinking back at the populated staircase, while relying on blind hope that Amethyst did not plan her surviving this.

Footsteps soon caught her attention from either the method of transportation towards the source, which seemed to be a very young boy.

"Why hello there. Who might you be?"

He replied by whipping out a cannon, easily half of his size.

"That's my youngest brother, Onion," Said someone from the shadows. Seras was already jumping away once Onion began firing. "I'm Ronaldo, and I've been dying to ask - your kind was dumped the moon, right? Come on, I need this for my blog!"

Seras briefly paused from Onion's onslaught, getting a clear look at Ronaldo himself and flashing him a look of utter confusion.

"Wha- no! We've never _been_ to the moon. Not even for a mission. Not even to check the former tower of Mr. Scratch."

His face fell as Seras resumed dodging the youngest's blasts. "Oh. Well then, I guess I can start doing this-"

He himself began firing, chasing Seras down the other way of the hall. Before she could take off into her vampire speed as planned, however, she slipped and fell knee-first to the floor. Her already fast breathing pace was only quickened when she saw another pair of feet.

"You have it too good." The voice above these feet said, Seras standing up to look at him. He definitely looked like he was the middle child to Onion and Ronaldo. She heard a roaring crowd in the seats outside, sighing in defeat and listening to him continue. "I'm Peedee, but I don't think you care. You live a life of nothing but wrecklessness and loud fun after you defeated the Millennium. According to Pearl, according to what Carl bragged her. You've been given too many ups. Which is why it makes me a little happier to-"

"Just hit me and get it over with." She said, hearing metal being bent followed by Amethyst's laughter. "Yep. Just as I thought. Amethyst is now guarding the elevator and I am out of any offensive options so-"

He smiled briefly as he shot her down.

* * *

Seras trotted into the skybox, followed by the three Fryman brothers and Amethst. All four of them continued shooting her in the back (Amethyst throwing her spares away as they emptied or handing them to the brothers as theirs ran out), with Greg adding a single shot to the chest with one of the largest smiles he bored.

Mr. Universe's grin soon fell as he looked at the overkill still going on. "So now what?"

She kept shooting until her trigger pulls were met with nothing, which happened a little after the three ran dry. "Well, you want to see your son kick some butt, right?"

"Yeah, you told me that I could join since you were not _really_ using magic."

"First, don't tell Pearl I wasted all of my ammo-"

"Got it!" He said, waving his own gun- and noticing that her eyes were following it.

"-And we can convince her that if we switched guns before she gets here."

* * *

Pearl sighed once the stadium came into view, hitting the brakes and staring at it from the windsheild. She then turned to the sole 'passenger' of the car; the Alucard dummy.

Getting out, she summoned her own weapon and walked around to the vampire replica.

"I don't want to do this. You had such a bad childhood."

With one slash, faux-Alucard's head was cut clean off. It tumbled out of the car while its assailant reached down its neck and whipped out a megaphone.

"I also don't want to do what I'm about to do." She sighed again. "This borders on vandalism."

Getting back in, she sped off in the direction of the epic field. She took notes of the lights already being on, the faint cheers of the crowd, and the time printed on the car's screen.

* * *

"CEASE FIRE!" Pearl yelled into the megaphone as she drove through the stadium's grass. "I AM ON YOUR SIDE! CEASE FIRE!"

She quickly rolled up the window in case there were those who didn't get the message, then sped up. She winced after looking back at the huge tire marks she was making.

From above, Amethyst watched her comerade navigating her way through the field and rolled her eyes.

"How bad do you want to see your son shoot a Martian?"

"W-why did you ask me that?"

Instead of answering, she grabbed him by the back and lifted him over her shoulders, using one hand to keep him up while the other grabbed the GPS. Following this she ran to where the window used to be and lept, keeping Greg in her grasp the entire time until she fell onto the roof of Pearl's car - which resulted in her tearing through it and landing square in the passenger's seat, also ending on the Alucard puppet and breaking it to smithereens. She lightly shoved Greg to the back after her land.

"Okay Amethyst," Said the current driver, "I went here to pick you up and ruined a perfectly good field of grass. What do we do now?"

Amethyst moved the GPS so that the pair could see, showing a deep blue map with two blinking dots - one purple, one light blue - in the center side-by-side. She zoomed out (merging the two dots so that they switched color for each blink), revealing a third red dot in the corner.

"Remember when I installed trackers in our phones- Ah, look!" She pointed at the red dot, "Garnet's at the train station! We need to get there in time for Steven's plan!"

"If the blue is me, the purple is you, and the red is Garnet, where is Steven?"

She shrugged. "To be honest, I didn't think he would make it this far. So I didn't bother giving him a tracker."

* * *

"When did the game start?" Steven said, swinging his legs from the bench.

"About thirty minutes ago."

"Really?" He giggled, looking up at the sky through the curved glass ceiling of the station. "_Shoot_, now _I_ gotta-"

"Please don't."

"Yeah, you're right." He quickly turned his gaze down. "I felt kinda silly when I said 'really.'"

Garnet rested a hand on her shades, adjusting them. "Carl may be the only one left, but he could be anywhere. If our research is right, he's became the most dangerous and least predictable. Watch out."

Right across from the pair, the hemispherical glass above the other side of the tracks was shattered as the final two membes drove though, akwardly speeding past in a wrecked car to get to Steven and Garnet's side. All three riding it stepped out, Greg taking notably longer to sum up to courage to leave after what happened.

"Is he here yet?" Pearl asked, turning to look up at the busted window. "This game is _really_ pushing me out of my confort zone!"

"That is why I warn everybody about windows!" A blonde girl - looking very much emo and dressed in some kind of fancy red and caped outfit - shouted. This got the attention of the Gems, towards that direction, where they also saw Carl, slowly shuffling their way.

"GET BACK!" Garnet directed after observing him, running behind the car and motioning for the other members of the party to follow. She then noticed Amethyst trying to peek her head up, and pulled her back down. Shortly following this, she grabbed the vehicle/hiding spot and flipped it over so that its top formed a barrier.

"That's not the real Carl. It's another puppet."

Surely enough, there was another blast of paint, barely getting blocked by the now-even-more wrecked automobile. Peeking up, the five all saw Carl standing behind the glass ceiling, holding another control bar.

"You almost had me when you nearly ran me over! He shouted into the hole, "You could'a shot me right there! But no, you failed, you lost your second chance, and now I can easily send my new marionette down there and wreak havok!"

"You're lucky I wasn't driving!" Amethyst shot back. "Because if I was, you'd be ran over! Also, we all survived the blast, you know! You can come down and do a paint-inspection yourself!"

Carl's face lit up in curiosity. "Hm, really," he mumbled to himself, "Welllll if you're not lying it gives me a good reason to try out this..."

Back in the station, the Gems (and Greg) continued hiding behind the busted car. Occasionally they looked above, watching for any further signs of the man who had since vanished to the back. Those that weren't on patrol of Carl were on patrol of the surrounding explosion, not sure what is safe for stepping on, and what would mean instant elimination.

This concentration was broken when the green man himself dove in, activating what appeared to be a jetpack mid-fall. The device worked, keeping him hovering just barely above what would mark the end of the game in the Gems' favor.

"Oh, and Indigo, that car would only kill me if it was lined with some anti-vampire stuff. Huh." Carl examined the station with a series of glances from side to side. "Like these very trains. I convinced the town that, ya' know? That we're not the only vampires around and some of these other vampires are mean little punks?"

All five of the hiders got out their paint guns and began firing (Greg having to borrow one of Steven's; though he asked), their shots all being swiftly dodged by the Martian's newfound flight.

"Indigo isn't even a _gemstone!_" Amethyst shot, taking the oppertunity, "You're really slipping, Stevens!"

"Really?" He continued his flight. "If I'm slipping, then explain this!"

He finally fired a shot on his own, hitting Pearl in the face and knocking her back-first into the puddle that remained from his puppet-bomb. Carl laughed, before checking his fuel levels.

"Ha!" He said, "That's for Rip, and yes I was watching! Just... too scared to do anything about that Alucard dummy without blowing my cover. Don't tell Seras this, but Rip was my fav- Up... Runnin' outta fuel... let's see here..."

A train pulled into the lot, getting a hopeful smile from Steven and a wicked look from Amethyst.

"Yes!" The latter cried, "Now I can finally use my weapon again!"

She quickly summoned her whip and wrapped it around the beam in the middle of the ceiling (having to break just a little more glass on the way), grabbing Steven and Garnet.

"Oh!" Steven said. Carl looked at the scene, and figured that he needed to rest on the top of this train. He spent so much of the game just looking for them; he wasn't about to continue his search again. "Dad, I guess this is goodbye! Our first father-son shooting trip was fun!"

It was only after the whip-wielder took off by swinging over to and running up the train's side that Greg caught his son's message.

"Oh, wow... th-that's true..."

Carl's jetpack completely ran out as the lengthy train finally took off, the man previously hovering over it landing smoothly on its top and throwing his now-empty pack off. Amethyst had since unwrapped her whip, still carrying it in tow while the last four of the game sped off into the night.

Pearl got herself up, giving an affectionate hand on Greg's shoulder.

"I'm sorry, but you should understand when we say that it's too dangerous to fight on the top of a train with him. I already think it's too dangerous for Steven, but... this was the best any of us could come up with."

"What is?"

Pearl looked down and to the side. "Well... let's just say you would be proud of him and I wish I was with him on that train instead of Amethyst. Or Garnet, for that matter."

She mumbled something to herself about "the perfect date beginning."

* * *

"Alright, I got this!" Steven cried, keeping a dead-set eye on Carl's arm motions. All said enemy's said limbs showed in terms of movement was a series of hand-twitches. "Garnet, go after him! Amethyst, help me get to the front of the train!"

The taller one replied by drawing her own paint gun and taking direct hits in Carl's direction, keeping her feet static the entire time. The blobs all predictably missed their target, as he dashed around the engine's top in a blur. Once the pair was mere inches away, Amethyst followed Steven's word by carrying _him_ over her head and running towards the pilot.

"Normally I'd try to stop what the kid was up to," Carl murmered flatly, "But he's just a kid. You, on the other hand, tried to pull a fast one with me last time..."

"Woaaaah- thank you for following my plan!" Steven said with notable speed, visibly shaking as he was flying through the air at what felt like light speed. His heart stopped each time she jumped across a gap in the cars. "To be honest... AHHH... I didn't think you of all people would think this is a good idea!"

"Of course I do!" She smiled, "Everyone knows you need a stupididly complicated plan to take down a vampire! Fighting them head-on _like I did_ isn't an option!"

She started laughing as she set her teammate down, the pair getting down to lie on their fronts and peer through the glass in the very front. "But seriously, I was guilty of making a plan much bigger than I needed too. Now that I think about it, I could have shot Seras as soon as I shone that bright light at her back at her house, but then I wouldn't be able to force her through a game of death-paint-football!"

Steven pushed himself up, frowning.

"Oh no."

"What?"

"It's the wrong guy! Oh... oh no!"

He felt Amethyst give him her own pat to the shoulder. "Don't worry about it. We'll either come up with another plan, or Garnet could have finished him off! Wanna race back until we find him?"

"Yeah!"

He wasn't sure if it was the greater sense of control, higher familiarity, or thought that he already won the game, but Steven without a doubt felt more comftorable - bordering to where he definitely _enjoyed_ - jumping across the gaps by himself going back then being carried over on the way towards the driver's car.

Of course, the fun stopped instantly when they saw Garnet lying down with enormous splotches of green paint on her, along with bigger blots staining the roof.

"NOOOOO!" Steven cried. "GARNET! SHE'S... she's...

"_Dead_.

"Garnet, did you see where Carl went?"

She lifted her head up. "I don't believe I am allowed to tell you where a player went. But I will say this. His guns are definitely bigger than before. Watch out."

With that, she lept off, leaving the last two Gems in the open night air.

"Shoot!" Amethyst cried. "Sh... _shoot_! He could be anywhere!"

"But!" Steven commented, "Before he said he didn't want to go looking for us... oh wait, his powers... so wherever he is... he could see us... he can see us!

"Wait, wait, wait! I got it! Amethyst, let's jump off the back end of the train, and on the tracks!"

"Why?"

Steven was already running off. "The sky has ears, I can't tell you!"

Amethyst followed, "Hey! No head starts!"

Before she had the chance to catch up, it was too late. Steven had already sped off the waycar and landed safetly on the tracks.

It was only now that he fully realized that these tracks were but in the middle of a bridge suspended above downtown.

Suspended _high_ above downtown.

He turned back to the train and took a slightly larger than usual breath.

* * *

"Ugh!" Amethyst cried, "Steven! Hold on! I'm almost-"

She tripped after feeling something grab onto her heel, just before she could make that final jump off the back car. She turned around. The thing was, in fact, a green hand surrounded by shadows.

The last train-riding Gem shot several times at the buff hand, yet it navigated itself through the metalic surfice, gliding itself and surrounding shadows to ensure that it won't carry a single drop on it. All the while, more of the hand's owner emerged. The entire arm. The arm's twin. The top of a face. Amethyst finally shook from the grasp, also rolling off of the ride's back as more of Carl emerged. A torso. A waist. Legs. _Feet_.

As the Martian dashed off himself, Amethyst lifted a gun to shoot him once again, however this time her efforts were deflected by a sudden vortex of colorful air. She only had enough time to react to this with a quick dodge-roll to the side, watching in horror as the colors split the paint blot into shreads and hit the spot right between the tracks below.

"C'mon!" Carl taunted. "Gimme your best shot!"

They spent the next... ten to fifteen minutes just about doing this. Amethyst, and latter Steven, trying to send a barrage of tyrian in his direction, getting their efforts neutralized by numerous sonic waves coming from _that obnoxious guitar_. It made sense, in a cruel fate-sort of way: That thing was the beginning of the cause of the Gems' problems, and now it serves as the final obstacle.

On the plus side, they did manage to limit the arena somewhat - at least, this probably applied more towards themselves than Carl. Soon, the part of the bridge heading 'foreward' (away from the old station) was rendered completely unwalkable to those who played the game and hoped to stay in, its roof being recolored entirely. The part about Carl being an exception came from his shadow abilities; which they were sure he would leave them abandoned there after a similar incident happened with the part of the bridge going 'back.'

It wasn't until running out of ammo for the sixth time (counting the stadium) that Amethyst completely snapped.

"**RAWGH!**" She cried. "THAT IS IT! I HAVE HAD IT WITH YOUR _STUPID_ GUITAR! IF I HAD DONE _THIS_-"

She lashed out her whip again, successfully catching Carl's instrument of horror and yanking it upwards away from him. He let out a huge gasp as the Gem then unwrapped it, just to lash at it and smash the thing into what he thought was millions of peices. But it was really two, not counting the obvious spare shrapnel.

"No!" His eyes began to water as he bolted over to the remains, getting on his knees. "My awesome Sonic Wave Guitar! It can't be! It can't!"

Carl's hands went from the sides of his face to over his eyes as he skipped two stages of grief and went straight to depression. Steven and Amethyst could only stare in confusion as he wept for his crushed, faithful weapon.

"We did so much together! So many concerts back on Mars! So many vampires and zombies and stuff killed with you! So much paint deflected just now! It was what I had with me when I met Seras! And when I met Rip! And what I fought against Rip with!"

The two Gems exchanged looks as they easily aimed and fired-

Their guns.

Were both out of ammo.

"Oh no!" Steven cried, trying all five of what he packed at the beginning, "No no no! We _wasted_ it! We wasted **all** of it!"

"Me too!" Amethyst juggled the barrels in horror in hopes of finding _just one gun_ that had _just one shot_. All out. "Pearl's going to kill us! And then the Pikmin! And then-"

Steven tapped her side and pointed to Carl's gun.

"Hmm really? Well, that may be your idea but I don't want you to risk yourself." She chuckled. "After all, I want _you_ to deal with you-know-who. Let me try instead..."

She tip-toed over to the still weeping Carl, trying not to laugh at the streams of tears flowing down to the tracks. Right now, in fact, Amethyst's biggest concerned was being electrocuted from when his crying mixes in with the railing. Definitely not him aiming his gun right at her forhead.

Which is exactly what he did. Before firing, sending her sprawling off of the bridge and down to the depths. He chuckled.

"Three down and... _one_ to go!"

"You monster! If I did that-"

"Kid, I woulda gone easier on you. Shot you onto the bridge, and not down there. Of course, the fact that Amethyst trolled Rip and Seras after the first match may have something to do with it, but I know that you're more mortal and-"

They both heard a second train, blowing its whistle. The pair turned and-

Oh no it was closer than they expected.

The only thing that got Steven's attention away from the train was Carl crying in pain. He looked at the Martian, whose leg had since turned into an odd mix of shadow and was merged in with the rail.

"My powers are all jacked up!" Carl shouted. "It... it must be the rails! And my stupid vampire abilities! I... uh... I'm not that good at using them when I'm in distress! LIKE RIGHT NOW!"

Steven stood confidently, holding a hand out to try to get the massive series of cars to stop. He gave a quiet "Oh." when that failed, and frowned as he turned to Carl.

"Um... don't stress out over this... because the last time I tried this I turned into a freaky cat monster... but stay calm... I think I have an idea..."

He grabbed Hellsing's leader as the train was mere feet away and turned his legs into enlongated cat bodies, springing himself up with enough force to unjam the green man from the tracks and adding a semi-jump to get the two of them on the next train entirely. After mumbling "And now the hard part" to himself, Steven took a deep breath and the cats let out growls as they began a jagged transformation back into legs.

"Well!" Carl shouted, standing up to look at him. "You saved my life!"

"Does this mean you give up?" Steven said, lighting up.

"Nah. I'm just gonna give you a ten second head-start."

* * *

"Come on kid, you're outta ammo anyway! There's no way you can win!"

As he was making that taunt, Carl was currently getting shot after shot of paint in the spot immediately ahead of him. All the while, a running Steven panted to himself between breaths as he leaped from car to car:

"Seven... eight... nine... ten... eleven... twelve..."

"Kid, what are you counting?"

"Thirteen... fourteen- WOAH!"

Unexpected to the Martian, Steven turned around and jumped back in his direction, making him dig his heels into the train in shock. The final member of Hellsing's opposing team then ran to the train car's side, kicking the window open and slipping himself inside.

"MAN." Carl said. "What is WITH that kid?"

After sliding in feet-first, the first sound Steven was greated with was a semi-familiar voice.

"Again! Windows!"

"Ugh!" Steven said, turning to the emo. "How did you even get here? You were at the station!"

"_DUH!_ What do you think I was _waiting_ for at the station? I couldn't get on the last train because everyone was _swarming_ out to see your stupid, wreckless show!"

He would have then given some speech about how important this game was and how it could save the entire city from permanent annoyance, before said permanant annoyance melted through the ceiling and landed as though he was a ninja.

"Again, face it, I still have paint, and you don't! Even if I run out, it'll be a stalemate at be-"

"HIYA!" Steven cried, dive-kicking his gun and letting it roll across the floor. He then dove after it before Carl even got the chance to react, sliding to the weapon on his belly, just barely grabbing it and holding it up triumphantly. He tried to fire, only to get a loud _click_ with nothing else. Carl grinned slyly as he held up some remote.

"Nice try, but before the third round we made our guns so that they can have their safety auto-toggled! I activated it while you were doing those lame ninja moves! Bet'cha didn't count on that!"

"And I bet _you_ didn't count on us having an automatic refill! Haaaank! Wait... Hank? Oh no, where are you?"

One of the passengers lowered a newspaper (which caused Steven to gasp and turn in their direction, which Carl raised an eyebrow at), revealing himself to be none other than Hank from earlier. With a soft smile, he tossed Steven a pack of paint, to which he shortly reloaded his own gun with.

Carl, for the first time in the game, looked downright _terrified_.

He phased himself through the door on the front end, just after Steven fired the first shot in his reload. The green brute looked at the short bridge between two cars, this sight-seeing cut brief as he heard Steven trying to open the door behind him, so he continued trailing his way and phasing into the next car.

"Okay Carl, think." He said to himself as he bolted to the front of the next car. "Dang, I shouldn't have held myself back while we were on the roof. The kid was counting the _number of cars_ - oh!"

He phased through the doors to the car after that, and continued running. "Well shoot though! I wasn't paying attention to what _number_ he was on, but either way I can't keep doing this!" Phase. He slowed himself down. "I need a hiding spot! Hm... maybe I can do something like what that redneck did... But there's almost nobody here! Why can't this be like the last train, where everything was crowded?"

Phase. He looked around this new car he tossed himself into.

The closest thing he could find was a girl reading a book. It looked an ugly bright pink - which drew his attention to it - but hey, a disguise was a disguise. There was an empty seat next to her. (And all around her as the entire train itself was pretty empty, her being the car's only inhabitant becides Carl himself, but it was the next-to-her seats he was concerned about.) _Perfect_.

He sat next to her and yanked the literature from her hands.

"Sorry kid, I need this!" He said, squinting as he held it sideways and turned it to the cover. "What is this, anyway? _A Wrinkle in Time_? Never heard of it.

"...Hey kid, what's with the gloves?"

Steven finally broke through the door, with Carl reacting by burrying his face in the novel.

_This aught to buy me juuuust enough time to..._

Once Steven ran past him, Carl stuck out a leg and tripped his enemy, closing the book and yanking his own gun back from his hands. The leader of Hellsing then swiftly activated the remote through fist-bumping his pocket, and with a quick and sudden move, fired.

Steven barely lifted himself from the floor before the huge spot of jade paint to the back knocked him back down. Unexpected to either of the car's other occupants, however, he laughed.

"What's so funny, kid? I killed you!"

Steven stood up with a smirk. "How can you kill me... when you're already dead?!"

* * *

_"Okay, so we have a clear plan for Captain, a clear plan for Rip, and _two_ for Seras." Pearl explained, using a hologram with rough approximations of the four Hellsing members. All of them bar Carl were X'd out as she cited who had plans targeting them. "Does anyone have any idea what to do for Carl?"_

_"Ooh, ooh!" Steven cried, "Carl's my guy!"_

_Pearl and Amethyst flinched._

_"Right..." the former said. "I forgot..."_

_"No, listen, I have an amazing plan! First, we need to get Captain and Seras and Rip out of the way. To be sure this will work. They're smarter than Carl, so they'll know they're being staged... and I guess because my plan relies on your plan and your plans have to be shaped to fit my plan, that makes this a sym... Symbiotic Plan! Right? Then, we need to meetup at the train station by a set time... and we need one more person. Maybe two!"_

_"Good luck finding someone for the job." Amethyst laughed. "Almost everybody we know in town is booked! They're shooting at the football stadium tonight, with me!"_

_"Hm... what about this new guy I met before we started planning?"_

_"Eh... he sounds like a hick. Take him."_

_"Or Connie?"_

_She laughed harder. "You should know me by this point. Of _course_ I would leave your girlfriend alone. To force __**you**__ to talk to her!"_

_Steven flushed. "S-she's not my girlfriend! I- uh..."_

* * *

_"Connie! Connie!" Steven shouted as he ran down the city's streets. "If you want to help me... uh... get rid of the annoying musician, then tonight I need you to get on this train-"_

_Just when he stopped, he flashed her a schedule. A certain time was highlighted. "And bring a book, and gloves... oh, and a tiny bit of paint. This plan might... break the book, so take one you already read, b-but if it does I'll get you a new copy! Oh, and go in car number nine!"_

_"Steven, why."_

_"Well uh..." he began stuttering, "It's a... uh... you know those loud music guys? Hellsing?"_

_"Yes," she sighed, "They never let me think to myself. Your not going to invite me to join Amethyst, are you? She never asked me, but her idea sounds as animal-like as the vampires."_

_"Well um... this is a plan that will beat them! Another plan! Just... listen to what I say, to the letter and... yeah... Okay, first..."_

* * *

"I found out we were on the wrong train, so I had to stall a little. I knew Amethyst would waste her ammo and she might make me do the same, but by the time I found out it was cut down to us, I still had Hank on my side! When I was chasing you, I stopped just before going in this car to make _sure_ that you used the two things I knew about you from our study. You don't respect girls, and you don't respect books. So what would your reaction be if you saw a girl with a book, after you saw how good Mr. Hill hid behind a newspaper? And how surprised I _acted_? You would take it. Because you are desperate and mean, so a woman's property will drop from the list of 'things I would let be' faster than anything else and-"

"Yeah, yeah, you got me to touch a _book_. What's the point, kid? How exactly am I dead?"

He raised a pointer finger to him. "Look at your hands."

Carl did as told, finding his finger tips stained with pink.

"..._No._" He said.

Noticing that his hand was still gripping the book, he held it closer to him and rubbed his palm across the cover. Not only was his hand then stained in a different color, but part of the book's own pink ran off to reveal its original, intended green palette.

"..._No!_ Th-that doesn't count! It's clever, but it doesn't count!"

"Does it? The only rule of the game is touch paint, and you're out. _And you touched paint!_"

Carl dropped the book to the ground, kicking it across the floor and watching as said base was then smeared with the terrible (to him) color. As with the death of his guitar, he dropped to his knees.

"_NOOOOOOOO!_"

Seras and Rip had phased themselves into the car shortly after this breakdown. Rip in particular applauded.

"Clever Steven, _very clever!_"

She turned to Carl and then said with less volume, "Oh, and I already called off Captain. He's back in... well, in me. Anyway, Seras and I both followed you and watched this scene go on through the fight, but we didn't say anything because, you know, dead and everything."

The leader let out a loud exhale, looking as though he was about to tear out his hair before stopping. "Come on, man! Do over! _DO OVER-!_"

Both of the vampiric women put hands on Carl's shoulders, silently shaking their heads. Carl sighed. "Fine.

"But, before we go, you saved my life from something _we_ helped changed to the tracks and that head start wasn't enough! Is there any way I could repay you?"

"Yes..." Steven began.

"BY GETTING THE _HELL_ OUT OF BEACH CITY!"

Carl shook his head. "Fine, fine, we'll be gone soon after midnight-"

"It's only around ten, Carl." Rip clarified.

"It is?" He looked out the window. "_Shoot_. I gotta lay off the heavy stuff.

"Well, we'll be gone _before midnight._ And unless you or your Gems or your girlfriend over here want to see us at our manor before our final goodbyes, this will be the last you'll _ever_ see of us! You'll have to be quick, though, we can pack pretty fast. ...Even if most of our stuff is under rubble."

"But wait!" Steven said, pointing a finger in the air. "And I'm glad all three of you are here. Because before you go, I wanna say some things."

"M-me too!" Connie added, jumping off of her seat and facing the vampires.

"Let me start!" Steven cried, "Carl, you could have behaved better! Uh... a LOT better!"

"Really. While you play your instruments, do you even _remember_ that there are _other people_ out there at all?"

Steven stepped foreward before he continued, "I don't think you do! You might be doing this just for the fame!"

Connie also stepped. With each sentence the pair's faces got closer to Carl's. "And another thing! Part of being a good guy isn't just saving people's lives, it's helping them feel better too! Like what Steven does! You..."

"Need to really think about what you're doing!"

"And I hope this teaches you something!"

Steven pointed at him. "I wish I could ban you from getting a new guitar or something! For three weeks!"

They stayed like this in silence for a moment. Steven pointing, Connie's arms bent and hands to her sides, Carl staring puzzled at the two and their stern looks, and Seras and Rip similarly rendered speechless in confusion.

Until Carl clapped. "Wow. Well then, I'm sure we'll keep that in mind when Rip, Seras and I have our little _group shower_ to get rid of this paint before we move out!"

The trio of vampires then sprouted out what looks like wings of light, turning into blurs as they sped out the window and flew into the night. Steven let out a sigh of relief.

"Garnet Pearl and Amethyst are never gonna believe that worked, will they?" He asked to Connie.

"I believe you. I mean, I saw what you did."

"Aww, thanks. But your words don't mean much to the Gems - they won't believe you. Well, Garnet might because she's really smart, but Pearl never thinks I am ready for anything and Amethyst never thinks what I think is smart enough and there's paint on the back of my shirt and Carl has plenty of reasons to move out of here and-"

"Don't worry, I know you mean well and I know how honest you are. They'll believe you."

Steven turned out the window Hellsing broke out of and smiled.

"Even if they don't!" He said, "At least this was kinda fun!"

She turned to her ruined book, whipping off the gloves she used to protect herself from the paint. "_Fun for you!_ I lost a favorite to that jerk! When are you going to replace it?"

"Oh... about that..." He laughed nervously, not turning away from the window. "...I didn't think that through?"

* * *

**BONUS! Extra "deleted" scene**

_Yes, this does mean that that was the end. It will be a little rare for my stories to lack an epilogue or at least a "proper" closing scene - even in parodies - but this is one of them. Spoiler alert: _Movie Day_ might be another one. The lack of a complete closure scene is really more of an experiment on my part; I may have stated this before but I have a bad habit of typing too much of a given story in real-time, and dragging on my endings a little._

_While working on the final draft of the second chapter, I started wondering how the game would have gone if HUC went by the old plan of keeping Zorin alive until the end, or at least having Zorin be the one eaten and familiarized and not Captain. In all honestly, the story wouldn't have been much different - especially seeing as Captain was the first kicked off by a long shot in the final game. But I thought about this little part early in post-time skip _Naruto_ where Itachi makes this illusion where Naruto starts seeing the people he knows growing out of him and guilt-tripping him. Now, I might have done something similar to the below in the actual story (just with a little more to differentiate it; this was kinda sloppily written because it's not an actual part of the story and my train of logic is that if it's not part of the "canon" story then I shouldn't put as much effort into it), but there's both the factor of that making it even longer than it should be and the lack of any appropriate point._

_This scene would have taken place in the second round, possibly replacing the Carl-bomb but as I explain in a little note later on..._

_Also, if this was in the story, it would definitely be a lot shorter. The added length was really just for fun._

Steven bolted out of what seemed like another of an infinite number of shrubs, before reality hit him in that the forest did have its limits. He stopped in surprise at the clear view of the ocean, right ahead of him, the additional sunlight making him wince and shield his eyes.

"Hello? Is anyone here?"

"I am."

Steven turned to the source of the voice, gasping when he found the water ahead now bearing a new image. Well, that was innacurate. Everywhere except the area closest to him looked normal, but several feet from where he stood was a circle of pale pink glow. The light beckoning to him, he paced towards it until his feet were wettened by the shore - what was in place of his reflection making him gasp again.

"...Mom?"

"Yes, Steven. You are brave to come on this mission, but also foolish. For you see, there was nothing you can do about it from the start."

He took a step back, suddenly finding himself losing his balance. "Woah- what?"

"You are weak, son. Not even the _real_ Crystal Gems can do this. (**Quick AN:** This would probably work better if Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl were eliminated beforehand, making Steven the last one kicked off instead of tieing with Amethyst as one of the first) What makes you think you can?"

"Well... if you're such a big shot, why don't you go out there yourself?"

She chuckled. "Because, Steven..."

The pale glow was suddenly replaced with black, colored only by flames appearing behind her. She opened her eyes, revealing them to be blank white. "I'M DEAD!"

What happened next must have not taken more than a few seconds, and because of this speed the blur was almost incomprehencible to Steven. The water changed its image, that part he could see - but a very strange feeling in his feet is what started throwing him off. He felt more limited, and somewhat transformed as he glanced around at the third look the water around him got the form of. It wasn't until he looked down at what then replaced Rose that he understood at least what was happening to him.

His feet were replaced by extensions of his legs, which go down to Lar's arms, also enlongated. Lars himself appeared to replace the image of Rose, over the background of Big Donut's interior.

"H-hey! Lars? What? Wh-what did you do to my feet?!"

"Oh, I just want to drag you out of the fight, over to where you belong."

"Where I belong?" He cried, trying to pull his own legs to fight back. All this got was a forced trip, turning him flat on his stomach facing away from the water and desperately using his hands to dig into the sand. Lars, somehow not twisted in spite of Steven's 180, leaned back and pulled, this motion having some effect on him.

"N-no! Hello? Can someone help me? Garnet! Amethyst! Pearl! What's going on?!"

The only thing he got as an answer was a caught sight out of the corner of his eye, his back (Just the part of his shirt? Or his whole back too? He couldn't tell anymore) growing a large lump that eventually took the form of the upper half of Sadie.

"It's fine Steven!" She cried frantically, "Here! What you really need to help your adventure is this-"

Somehow, someway, she reached behind her own back and showed her hands to each have been full of an assortment of various meats, pastries, cheeses, creams- he couldn't tell if there was a single whole food item in the pileups, as they were very much merged together-

And he didn't get enough time to really look at them before she started shoving them towards his mouth. Both handfulls, one at a time, which he spat out after the latter was shoved in.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" He shouted to his back as he tried crawling along the sands.

"Helping you relax! Trust me! I know this is for your own good!"

He could make out that she retrieved more of the mixtures, this time the origins were clear- the junk food seemed to be morphed from her own palms. Steven gasped at the implications, this time preparing to swat away at her next offering. He successfully managed to knock the food out of her left hand with his own, but when he lifted his right hand in preparation for the other, he found that he lost control of it mid-air.

"_Now_ what?" He cried.

His right arm soon morphed itself completely, ballooning itself into another familiar shape. This shape stood on the sands with a right foot, the left merging into Steven's arm much like Steven's own legs merging into Lar's.

"P...Peedee?" He asked his arm. The boy turned to him in response. "You're here too? You're... you're _me_ too?"

Peedee frowned at him, taking his one free leg and pushing his foot against Steven's face.

"It always has to be about you, doesn't it." He said blankly. "Clinging on to not one, not two, but three skirts, using the excuse that you're learning your abilities to get around having to do real work. For life goals. You deserve to go there."

Steven had to swat away at Sadie again, this time noticing an increase in fries in the food she held - something that was noticably absent prior to the Fryman's appearance. He struggled breathing through his nose at this point, as it was the epicenter of the most recent item trying to get him into the sea.

"No! You... just don't get it! I'm a real life- I mean, I have a real goals! Or... the other thing you said! I am the opposite! It's okay!"

"It's not okay." Rang a voice from the back of his head.

By the time Steven's hair began growing outwards and forming another specific shape, his left arm was shaking as he kept himself rooted in the sand. He heard steps becides him, indicating that this next transformation had finished, and cringed when he turned his eyes to the side the sound came from and saw a pair of pink boots.

"Oh no!"

He briefly escaped from Peedee's attack, turning his head up to find that his hair had indeed grew. It was seemingly connected in another "trail" much like his legs and Lar's arms, where the trail was longer than the sum of his own and the other person's part combined. That other person was Connie's, whose own hair served as the link. She took a step even closer to him, staring him down.

"You are out of hope, and out of options Steven." She said. "Your life is a mess. I would rather be alone than have you as a friend."

She shoved her own boot to him, much like Peedee. By this point, Steven was being moved back into the waters behind him.

He felt three more transformations overcome him; Amethyst grew out of his chest, while he felt something on his forehead and on the palm of his remaining hand.

"You might have a gem too," said Amethyst, "But you're still kind of a loser. Well, goodbye Steven!"

"No!"

"It's true." Said Pearl, the figure that was currently growing from his forehead. "You're just not fit to fight with us! Not now, not soon... but maybe you will be! It might take a few years... or decades..."

"_No!_"

He butted his head at Connie and Peedee's feet, then held his left hand out in front of him to see what it had to offer. All he saw was a red jem embeded on it. Garnet's voice came from it.

"I only said what I said because I pitied you."

"_NO!_"

Steven was jolted out of the illusion by a sharp hit of paint on his neck. Looking around, he found no traces of any people growing out of him, and that he was apparantly _standing_ the entire time. All he saw when he looked into the sea was opaque seagreen water, and all he saw when he turned around was Zorin proudly holding up her gun.

_I also thought about Steven seeing Greg just standing there, saying that he is going to marry Seras and ask him what he thinks of the name "Seras Universe." Seras would then walk into Steven's line of sight, and the two would start kissing. But... I felt that, even though this part is about hypotheticals here and not stuff that made it into the story, that it was a bad idea that messes with the flow of this part. And plus I didn't want to actually _write_ it; this scene is long enough as-is._

**Scene that was actually deleted/rewriten**

After making it towards the field goal, Seras flew into the air and gave a hard punch through the glass sheilding the announcement room. She cried in pain afterward, staring at the numerous cuts as the window broke into hundreds of glittering pieces.

"I got that window blessed or something before I installed it. You won't believe how much everyone was eager to driving you out of town! Pearl didn't want me to hurt you, but hey, tell that to your bomb-happy boyfriend who almost drowned Steven."

_Seras is by far the nicest of the Hellsing Four, so Amethyst making her cut her hand like that would still be kinda cruel regardless of what Carl did. And Amethyst might be mischevious, but she isn't cruel. After all, why take it out on the person who didn't cause the problems? That's a pretty petty thing to do if you ask me._

**Another - Original Captain Weakness**

Captain glanced through the fancy utencils on the table, looking up at the woman behind with a curious shrug.

"Yes. Those are crafted from real silver, intermixed with platinum handles and golden filling." She said, "But it didn't take that much to make these soooo... they're only about a dollar more than your average kitchen ware. If you're not convinced I can get a certified-"

He waved a hand in front of her and held out a piece of paper.

"Oh. You're a werewolf?"

He nodded.

"Well then sorry. I... guess if you paint regular spoons, forks, and knives you can get the same- wait, do you even need these?"

On the upper floor of the mall, Garnet fixed her gaze on him.

"So he's weak to silver." She said to herself, whipping out a cell phone. "Gems. We're going to need a lot of silver. And someone who can make a good maze."

_The writing in this was unbearably cheesy and sloppy and uses the word "silver" too much. I'm glad I re-did this._

* * *

**Closing AN:**

So this is in fact based on the _King of the Hill_ episode "the Man Who Shot Cane Skretteburg." Just with the matches drasitcally altered to be a little more original.

Anyway that was _Carl Stevens Universe_. A little on the weird side, and I personally think I weakened both the Gems and Hellsing a little (especially Seras, in fact if she was in her true form she could probably dwarf the Crystal Gems and put up way more of a fight; but I felt that in the events of HUC she never really "matured" so I'm reflecting that here), but the important thing is that I'm getting more into writing shorter stories and I can always edit the matches to be more flashy.

I would like to make it completely clear that the color of paint Hellsing uses is in fact "pure" teal. Exactly half-green, half-navy. I am saying this because I will later use "jade" (and I kind of already did, just not often) to refer to a color between teal and green. Really, my system for naming colors is both based on web colors and uses the red-green-blue system of mixing.

So, regarding Connie. I'm tempted to write a third chapter to this that shows the ending scene from her perspective. I mean, how would you feel if a guy who looked like a football-playing knockoff of Invader Zim (or a green Charlie Sheen) stole your book, shot a kid you knew with teal paint, got told he was dead, then looked at his hands and then acted like he was in a bad soap opera and his wife died or something, all because his fingers were covered in tyrian paint? Well, granted, said kid would have told you to paint the book first so you might have been expecting something, but still.

The design of the train station is based on the "Berlin-Spandau" station or... whatever the proper terminology for that is called. I found it by searching images of train stations.

This might be the first _Steven Universe_ story on this site to at least tease at Steven/Connie! (Even though it is kind of more for laughs... if anything... but I do sort of like the pairing...) Particularly that conversation at the end where they are both telling off Carl like he's their disobediant son. Demonstraiting Carl's complete lack of maturity and resemblance of a 13 year old's self insert AND toying around with random ship teasing! Two birds one stone.

Also, I'd like to confirm that for every story Rip appears, Hank Hill will either appear himself or at the very least get _some_ nod or mention. I'm not sure if I should apply this the other way around, given that Hank is actually a protagonist while Rip is a pretty minor character. The Hank-Rip thing is intended to be a recurring... myth? I don't know what to call it.

**THE END.**

* * *

Aradia stood on that lone rock sticking straight up from the otherwise uniform slope, looking out into the snow field heading downwards from its mountainous origin point.

And going into another tundra, filled with tank after tank futily going after mechas just about five times their size. The lasting effect of the fire balls getting drowned out by the constantly falling sleet.

The wind blowing through her standardized Rainbow Crew dress, she hardly cared about trying to make a difference. That moment in her past had already affected her. She thought that undefeatable enemies shall remain undefeatable. Her dreams as a basketball superstar had seemed crushed, and she thought that the struggles of the armed forces below was just a deeper, larger reflection. She lowered her head and closed her eyes, trying to make another prediction.

All she could think of was the following: _December 21st. When it will all change._


End file.
